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Transformers : Revenge of the Fallen Review

2009-06-24T13:18:00.000-07:00

In a recent review of Terminator salvation the legend that is NeoRanger pointed out that he thought fans were to blame for everything that’s gone wrong with the franchise.

While I don’t think the fan are to blame for Transformers : Revenge of the Fallen, I do think that they are perhaps it’s biggest problem.

Many will moan and bitch about this film because it isn’t what they wanted, I read countless reviews of the first film were the fandom slated Michael Bay for his film and insisted on telling as many people who were willing to read how they would have made a better film.

The simple fact is, even if these people were in a position to make a movie they would never have finished due to them running out of money before they got half way through.
Yes I would have liked to have seen more robot time, but I’m also understand this simple fact; it costs less to put a person on a screen than it does a big fucking robot.

Most people would have spent more money than the film could have ever have made back, it doesn’t take a great deal of intelligence to figure out that whatever way you look at it; that would be bad business. And the film industry is after all - a business; it exists to make money.

So we get Michael Bay who has a track record of exciting action scenes and big bangs. Sure high quality drama isn’t his strong point, but these were always going to be bubblegum movies. Check in your disbelieve at the door, watch, enjoy and don’t think too much about it. Anyone who ever thought they were going to get anything more was deluding themselves, weather Bay was at the helm or not.
And for my money he did a better job than anyone at the criminally mismanaged TCA could have done.

Just because it isn’t what you would have done does not make it a bad film, in fact it’s better than the one you would have done because the film you want will never get made; just fucking deal with it.

So rant about the fans over, on to part two.

If your expecting the drama of Slumdog millionaire.
If you want an epic like Sparticus.
If your hoping for the emotion of The English patient...

...then why the hell did you even bother?
This is Transformers as directed by Michael Bay, all your gonna get is action and explosions.

That’s what Bay does best and he plays to his strengths here. The action is on a grander scale, the bangs are bigger, and there’s an abundance of both.

Transformers : Revenge of the Fallen begins with the Autobot’s and human allies called NEST hunting Decepticon’s in Shang-Hi.
Do they find then and allow for an explosive beginning?
Is the pope a Catholic?

It’s fast and furious as we’re quickly introduced to some brand new characters, Sideswipe, Arcee and the twins.

Straight away we’re given proof that realism has already been left behind, I mean, a Chevrolet
besting an Audi? Never going to happen.
Incidentally the only German car in the film is a bad guy while all the good guys are American? Coincidence? I think not.

Of course the Decepticon’s are quickly dispatched to the pit, but not before the warning is given that the Fallen is making a comeback.

Things quickly move forward to Sam, he’s now a couple of years older and is about to start collage. Him and girlfriend played by Megan Fox (who is little more than window dressing for the duration) are about to be separated. While going through his things Sam finds a small shard of the all spark, you know that box that repairs stuff and shrinks a bit as well as giving life to stuff.

This sets off a chain of events that propel Sam throughout the movie.

However not before Mum and Dad are given their chance to shine, and shine they do. Mum in particular is given some of the films best lines and the actress concerned clearly is enjoying herself.

I could go on here describing the various events of the film, but this is meant to be a review, not a synopsis.

So instead lets look at what’s right and wrong with the film.

First up the humans, who some of you will be pleased to know play less of a role in this film.

Captain Lennox is back, however for the role he plays he may as well have stayed at home; he really is reduced to generic American soldier boy here.

Mind you Megan Fox doesn’t fair much better, she gets some screen time made up to look her best. But apart from her dealings with Wheelie has little to do but look good.

New character Leo really wasn’t needed, in fact he could have been dropped after the final scene in Sam’s dorm; apart from being annoying he brought nothing to the table except point the team towards Simmons which I’m sure they could have done another way.

Ah yes, Simmons. The character from the first film that we all loved to hate. Well while still slightly manic John Turtorro has toned it down a bit since the first film, making it something of a relief when the character comes good at the end.

And apart from Mum and Dad no one else really even deserves a mention.

Of course this is a Transformers film , so I would be amiss if I didn’t mention the robotic characters as well.

Michael Bay has done something here that no one else has done before him, He made Prime a badass. Watch the forest fight and prepare to pick up you jaw from the ground.

Bumble bee also gets his moment to shine, the little guy kicks tail pipe like never before.

Ratchet and Ironhide return but don’t contribute much noteworthy, same as new characters Swideswipe and Arcee.

And the twins are just annoying.

Jetfire is completely changed from his humble beginnings, he is now ancient and altogether a bit all over the place.

Last of all for the Autobot’s is the Decepticon Wheelie who switches sides. Unlike his cartoon counterpart he is likeable and a joy to watch for the most part.

Very few Decepticon’s even get to speak so there’s really not much to say except that Starscream is a delight, exactly like his cartoon/comic counterparts; it’s fantastic to watch the character brought to life.

I should also mention Soundwave, Frank Welker get to reprise one of his signature characters. While it’s nothing more than fanwank I personally feel that any half decent voice actor could have done the job.

Last of all is Devastator, massive and lumbering. It’s a treat to have onscreen even if he doesn’t last long. You can almost see someone at Paramount wondering if it would have been easier to just shovel money into a furnace rather than put the monster in the movie. He’s short scenes alone must have cost a fortune.

The film does have many faults.
The Fallen wasn’t given enough screen time for you to hate him, as such his demise lacked something; you just had no reason to cheer when Optimus sent him to the pit.

There are a few plot holes, and unless I blinked and missed it there still isn’t any explanation of what happened to Barricade after the freeway chase in TF1. Anyone?

Space bridge travel, While TF fans will know all about it; many non-fans will be thinking “WTF - teleportation?” It’s just too leftfield for this movie even if it does serve a purpose.

The annoying characters, not needed; go away.

Most of the humor is provided by the annoying characters (Sam‘s mum and yes! Wheelie being the exceptions.)
Guys who never had girlfriends need not fret though, theres no “Sam‘s happy time” jokes to make you feel uncomfortable.

Far more could have been made of the Decepticon's ripping one of their own apart to restore Megatron.

The biggest problem the film has goes back to my earlier rant. The film makers listened to the fans, and the fans wanted more robots. And here in lies a problem, the same fans will complain about the lack of character development. Well when there’s as many characters as there are in this film all being juggled for screen time to justify the expense of creating them, you going to get almost fuck all character development.

It’s not all bad though, the action and explosions as I’ve already said are what Bay does best, and here he deals it out in spades. There are still some quick cuts and fast editing but it’s not as extreme as last time out. But as I said back then, why was it ok in the Bourne films but not here?

The plot is still almost anorexic but what else did you expect, however the pacing and storytelling are a step up from the first film.

Overall this film does exactly what you would expect it too, it gives you a thrill ride for a couple of hours.
It takes the first film and gives it a shot of adrenalin.
As long as you can check in you brain at the door and don’t over analyse it, it’s a hugely enjoyable movie.
Those who hated the first one will hate this.
But if you enjoyed the first one and you like big fucking robots and all action movies, then go see it; your love it.

TV - A year in review

2009-05-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

Why Hello there gentle reader, it's been a while; I hope that your well as you read my humble words.

During my absence the 2008 to 2009 season of shows has drawn to a close, as such I thought it was high time to take a look at the hits and shits of the last year. Oh and I'll avoid too many spoilers along the way.

Terminator – The Sarah Connor chronicles

Terminator TSCC has been a nothing if not a mixed bag. From the odd great episode to the truly piss poor via a generous helping of mediocre viewing.

Season one started badly, there's no other way to put it, however it did improve. I accepted it could never compete with the films if only for budgetary reasons, but all to often it didn't bother to provide anything like an interesting plot.

While the first year did improve greatly the momentum wasn't kept up in season two. The whole three dots theme running throughout this year was poor execution of a bad idea. And the final pay off was nothing short of complete rubbish.

That said the show did offer a few good episodes, the ones centring on Cameron were stand alone and a cut above the rest. Summer Glau proved her acting capabilities time and again. Although what was with shoving her in that swimsuit in the house, it was only a brief moment; but enough to prove she has no figure at all.

One of TSCC's biggest problem was it's main character, Sarah Connor herself, as a viewer I just didn't care about her; I wasn't bothered if she lived or died.

The best character of the year was without doubt Shirley Manson's Katherine Weather. While I felt they gave away her true nature away far too early the mystery behind her agenda was fascinating to watch.

Speaking of characters while many fans hated Riley and Jessie I thought they were welcome additions to the programme as it muddied the waters a bit, true early on they were annoying but the final pay off was well worth it.

So after several bad and mediocre episodes (The ufo one was just painful to watch) in the run up to the finale the show improved dramatically, the final episode itself was a cracker.

Terminator The Sarah Connor Chronicles has now officially been cancelled by Fox, and despite the improvement towards the end of the season it just came too late. If the whole show had been of the calibre of the final three episodes I would be disappointed by Fox's decision to axe the show; as it stands I just didn't care.

Lost

Lost continues to annoy, frustrate and entertain in equal measure.

It is by far the most complex show on television at the moment, and I love it for that. While many of the happenings on the show seen quite daft somehow they manage to pull it off. This is due to them pulling crazy stuff out from the start.

Nothing is simple and every episode leave you hanging.

To call lost an ambitious programme would be an understatement, the shows scope is simply huge.

Season five has been no different, as ever it leave you with too many questions to wonder over.

This year we followed the Oceanic six (Well five if we don't include Arron) ass they tried to return to the Island for various reasons as well as the lives of those left behind. The show at heart has always been a time travel show but this year the cards were really laid out on the table.

It's fast becoming obvious that they have been responsible for their own fates.

To sum up a show like lost in a few words is impossible, the show is too complex to make it worth even trying. However it continues to be one of the best shows on television and all I can say is roll on season six.

Fringe

Before I start I should say I haven't seen the whole season yet, I'm up to about episode 15

Fringe has been another mixed bag, while it hasn't provided any really bad episodes it hasn't been consistently great.

The show has however proven itself to be consistently watch-able.

Like lost there is clearly a bigger overall story but this show goes for a more one story per episode format. Sometimes it works ok, other times it works great.

Fringe's strongest point is the characters, While Olivia may an interesting and flawed lead it by far Walter who makes the show. The actor has great comic timing and overall presents a deeply disturbed character.

While many of the episodes are implausible somehow they work within the shows framework. Not always taking itself too seriously Fringe often allows for jokes at its own expense revealing the tension it build up.

Many shows are still fining their feet during their first season and get stronger as they go onto the second year.

If that's the case with Fringe then I'll will defiantly be coming back for season two.

Dollhouse

Dollhouse was the oddity of the year. It's own premise is it's own problem. When the lead character has a different personality every week how can you ever care about her?

Simply put, you don't.

And this is part of the reason Dollhouse got off to such a poor start. Not only was the lead character Echo completely different every week but her missions weren't all that interesting either.

In fact I almost stopped watching after a few episodes, I'm glad I didn't however. The second half of the season really ramped things up and the show improved dramatically.

While the show itself is an interesting idea the major problem it faces is the main characters (Echo, Sierra and Victor) will change from week to week. The final few episode focused more on what went on behind the scenes and improved the show greatly. It allowed for a much more solid story and therefore much more interesting viewing.

The Paul Ballard characters story moved far too slowly to be of interest, however it was a welcome distraction from the mission of the week. Now his on the inside it will be interesting to see where he goes from here.

The revaluation that a dollhouse staff member was in fact a doll I felt fell a bit flat. It wasn't a big enough deal as the character hadn't had enough screen time for the viewer to care about her.

If dollhouse can keep up the momentum it archived in the second half of its run it will become must see TV, however if it reverts to mission of the week it could also become one to miss; the jury is still out.

Knight Rider

It was painful to watch, I gave up after a few episodes. It's been axed to make way for something else thank god

Prison Break

When Prison Break first hit the screens it was must see TV, however the last two years haven't lived up to the promise of season one and two .

This year Michael and co have been chasing Scylla. A piece of computer hardware with a shitload of useful information on it.

For the most part season four has been watch-able, however it has only been mediocre. It somehow failed to capture the imagination and excitement of the first two seasons; and to be fair. Some of the plot twists were just downright ludicrous.

In fact this year just felt dragged out in many parts, the concept could easily have been squeezed in to just thirteen episodes. Apparently the writes had intended for this years theme to run in season three but the writers strike and short third year prevented that. I suspect that if it had happened both season three and four would have been a lot better for it.

The most criminal thing about Prison Break (pun intended) was the use of William Fincher, while they did use his acting talents they seemed to have forgotten his character. Fincher's Mahone was in season two introduced as a mind as equally brilliant as Michael Schofield's. Why was this forgotten this year as he played a part following Michael's lead all the time?

Prison Break did manage to redeem itself during the excellent finale but by this time it had lost too many viewers, it couldn't possibly have survived. Maybe if there had been no writers strike things would have been different but there was. At least the show got to go out on a high but its a shame that it laboured so much to get there.

Jack's back.

24 has always been an ambitious show, to tell a story in real time over twenty four hours is always a challenge.

My question is a simple one though, how come in 24 hours Kiefer Sutherland never needs the loo?

Jack has to answer for his sins, that's the underlying theme of this season. Can it work? That the man we have seen torture and kill can face his own demons?

Damn right it works.

In what is possibly the best season in years 24 shows there plenty of life in the old dog yet.

As implausible as it seemed bringing back Tony Almada was a master-stroke, you never know where he stood of what he was up to, thus making him one of 24's best villains to date. It wasn't till the final episode that you truly knew what his agenda was. It should have been obvious but it wasn't.

The year was filled with drama and suspense, you never knew where things were heading even though the show has a history of characters switching sides you never knew what was coming.

The biggest downside is knowing that there would be another series, whatever happened Jack had to make it through somehow even though he was poisoned with a deadly pathogen. Still that aside may the next year bring on drama like we've seen this year.

Battlestar Galactica

Call it what you want, season five, season four point five, the final season, there are only two words to describe this years outing for BSG, fracking fantastic.

Somehow it worked on almost every level.

The thing about BSG is was never about flash special effects and exciting space battles, it was always about the characters. And those charters are flawed, make mistakes and are completely human.

Last year we were left hanging with the revelation that earth was a nuked wasteland, how could they follow that?

Well follow it they did.

With plot twists and sucker punches BSG was the show to watch this year.

Did you Dee's demise coming? No, neither did I. While she was never a major character she was a constant in the shows support crew. After laying out all the cards for a possible rekindling of her and Lee's romance to shoot herself like that was a shock. One that was brilliantly done, it showed the dispare of the fleet at that time.

The mutiny and the final four were also exciting and excellent story lines, played out with superb pacing.

I've seen on the net a number of people have complained about the second half of the season finale, the religious aspect. My question is did these people even understand the show? It was there from the start, anyone notice season ones “Hand of god”?

This again was played with true skill, it felt natural and gave the story a fitting close.

Every character was given a resolution and all story lines drawn to a definite close.

I've heard it said that BSG is the best show ever. While I'm not sure that I agree I would have to say, it's pretty fracking close.

So there you have it, my thought on this years TV, maybe see you this time next year.

Bankers - Is it spelt with a W?

2009-03-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

FIRST thing’s first, as you may have noticed gentle reader I am not one to shy away from the big stories.

It’s time for some Credit Crunch stuff, and what a surprise, the banks have screwed something up! Who’d have thought it, eh?

While this is about the country I live in, is yours really any different?

The people who make sure your cashpoint card doesn’t work when you’re abroad, who write you a £20 letter about your £10 overdraft, have cocked it all up.

No one knows how or why or when — least of all them — but somehow they’ve lost more money than anyone has lost before.

Thing is, when you take a step back and think about it, you realise just whose money it is.

Yes. IT’S OUR MONEY! They lost our money.

Whose money?

OUR MONEY!

So what do they do about it? Long before they apologise, long before they put their own money on a horse and hope it comes in (which is what anyone normal would do, let’s face it) they go to Norman Brown, cap in hand and ask him to help them out.

They say: “We’ve lost a load of money, we don’t know where the money is, help us, please!” (Whose money? OUR MONEY!) And then Gordon Brown says: “Aye, laddies, I’ll help ya oot, here’s a cheque for 70 ballion poonds, that should cover it.” That’s nice and dandy of him, but whose money is he giving them? That’s right, OUR MONEY! So he’s given them OUR MONEY to replace OUR MONEY that they’ve lost.

But the trouble is, he’s not got enough money because it’s been spent on Health and Safety and second houses for his fellow politicians, and so he’s had to borrow some more money.

So he goes to another bank and borrows a load more money, and whose money is it that he borrows? — OUR MONEY!

So he’s borrowing OUR MONEY to replace OUR MONEY, that he’s already spent, to replace OUR MONEY that the banks lost.

And how’s he going to pay off that loan? By raising taxes — which come out of OUR MONEY!

So he’s going to insist we cough up more of OUR MONEY to repay the loan of OUR MONEY needed to replace OUR MONEY the banks need to replace OUR MONEY that they lost. In other words, we pay four times over.

Thanks for that.

But here’s the part that really gets my goat.

I don’t have a goat, but feel like I should buy one just so it can get got.

The banks’ one job is to look after our money — that’s it, it’s not like they’ve got anything else to do, is it? That’s what they do, look after money.

Stick it in a safe, sit a bloke next to the safe, fill up the cashpoint machine as and when. It can’t be hard, can it?

If I can figure it out, why does a bloke who gets a million Pound bonus at Christmas not realise any of this?

Banks look after money, full stop. A bank that doesn’t have any money in it is just a building, the same way a pint without any black stuff in it is just a glass.

What’s worse is we don’t hear the bloody end of it, it’s all over the telly and papers. Ironically it’s the financial experts who are raking it in.

It’s lucky the media doesn’t charge us a tenner every time they tell us the country’s gone overdrawn like the banks do, otherwise we’d have even less money.

I might start it. You’ve got no money mate, there you go, I’ve just provided you with a service.

Please send cheques payable to SharpSpike, c/o Waste your money Inc.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Norman Brown

2009-03-04T10:28:00.000-08:00

Gordon Brown has become the first European leader granted an audience with President Barack Obama.

With excitement mounting, we tune in once again to Eyewitness News, Palm Beach, for a special review of this historic meeting.

Good morning, America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, back with another three hours of news you can use. Our top story this hour is the arrival of the President of Englandland in our nation's capital. Joining me now live from London is our special correspondent, Brit Limey.

Good morning, Chad. I'm standing outside Buckingham Palace, the world-famous home of soccer star David Buckingham and his wife, Queen Victoria.

Great to see, you, Brit. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought President Tony Blair had already met with President Obama at the National Prayer Breakfast a coupla weeks back.

That's affirmative, Chad. But President Blair isn't President of Englandland any more.

He's not? Then what was he doing in Washington?

Beats me, Chad. Perhaps it was something to do with his new role bringing peace to the Mid East.

How's that going?

Pretty good, Chad, if you don't count the war between Hamas and Israel, Hezbollah firing rockets at civilians and the crazies in Iran going nuclear.

So who's the new guy?

He's called President Norman Brown. This isn't his first visit, Chad, he met with President George W. Bush last year.

I must've been watching baseball that day. Funny, I don't remember seeing any coverage of an election in Englandland.

There wasn't any, Chad.

No coverage?

No election, Chad.

How did this Norman Brown get to be President, then?

Some kind of a coup, I guess. There certainly seem to be more armed policemen around these days, and there are surveillance cameras everywhere.

Jeez-o, sounds like a Commie dictatorship.

Feels like it some days, too, Chad.

So why is Norman Brown in Washington today?

He's come to tell President Obama to join his crusade to save the world. He thinks he's Superman and has all the answers to the economic crisis.

Englandland has to be doing real good if this guy thinks he can fix the credit crunch.

Not so, Chad. The IMF says Englandland is worst placed of all developed economies to cope. The currency has collapsed, unemployment is headed towards three million and the country is saddled with £2 trillion of debt, which it will take generations to pay off.

So who's responsible for that?

Norman Brown

Brown's the guy who got Englandland into this mess in the first place?

Affirmative, Chad. When he was Treasury Secretary he encouraged the banks to go on a reckless lending spree which has bankrupted the country, he let public spending rip right out of control, and destroyed Englandland's private pension system, which was once the envy of the world.

Does he admit he screwed up?

Far from it, Chad. He blames America.

He does what?

Blames America, Chad, for selling sub-prime mortgages, which were then bought by banks in Englandland and turned out not to be worth the paper they were printed on.

No one forced these banks to buy them.

No one stopped them, either, Chad. Ten years ago, Englandland tore up the rules designed to stop banks getting into trouble.

Who was the genius behind that cockamayme scheme?

Norman Brown.

So let me get this straight. This Norman Brown guy wrecks Englandland then flies to Washington to tell us that he's saved the world. And he blames America for his own incompetence?

America and a guy called Sir Fred Goodwin.

Who's he?

Ran the Royal Bank of Scotlandland into the ground.

And they made him a 'sir'? Whose idea was that?

Norman Brown. Now he wants Goodwin to lose his pension.

Can he do that?

No, but seeing as Brown's stolen everyone else's pension in Englandland, it won't stop him trying.

So what's happened in Washington then?

There was a formal meeting at the White House, followed by lunch.

Better tell President Obama to count the spoons.

Consumer revenge

2009-02-26T14:59:00.000-08:00

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh -and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
=0 A

Madonna

2008-11-23T07:03:00.000-08:00

When Madonna first moved to the UK, she said she wanted to feel more English. She is now, an unmarried mother with three kids, all from different fathers, and one is black.

Job done.

Canada's biggest export

2008-10-31T19:37:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, that when I first bought tickets for Bryan Adams I wasn't too fussed.
In my eyes he was an 80's rocker who was well past his sell by date.

More than anything I had purchased the tickets for my better half who had wanted to see the man preform live, for me as long as he played the Reckless album I'd be happy.

But thats an old album so I wasn't expecting much.

It would be wrong of me before I go on not to mention support band Black Daniel, they were rubbish; don't even bother, I won't.

At bang on 20:30 The lights dropped and the man himself took to a small 6x6 stage in the center of the standing area. Kicking off with just him and an acoustic guitar he launched into "Can't stop this thing we started."

Another song with just the man and his guitar followed by just two words, "Hit it" and the band arrived onstage.

Singing a song I must admit I didn't know the singer/songwriter made his way to the stage as he shock hands and hugged fans en route.

From there on in it was mainly a greatest hits feast, though a couple of new songs did sneak their way into the main set.

Unusually hits like "Summer of 69," "Run to you" and "Everything I do" were part of the main set.
The songs that many people including myself came to hear were put upfront, rather than save a massive hit for an encore he played them straight up. This kind of attitude means you only get an encore if you deserve one.

Surprisingly Bryan made a big deal of his band, a quick search on google tell me he has been using the same musicians for oner 25 years now; and the chemistry really does show during the set. Rather than a solo artist with a backing band it seemed more like a band with the singer as a front-man than anything else.

Indeed guitarist Keith Scott was allowed a blinding extended solo during "It's only love" that far exceeds what was played on the origanl studio version.

Without a doubt Adams knows how to work a crowd, although he had microphones dotted around the stage allowing him to sing in different positions he still moved them closer to the audience here and there. And if he hadn't stood in front of one section of the audience he would just move there. For anyone looking for tips on stage craft Adams serves a great example.

For "When your gone" the singer pulled up a member of the crowd to sing the female lead, ok so she couldn't sing to save her life but you really didn't care; the overall performance still worked.

When the band left the stage you couldn't help but wonder what would be left for the encore, he played his biggest hits in the main set. As I already said, he wasn't getting an encore unless he deserved one; and yes he did deserve one.

Returning to the stage he played "Cloud number nine" followed by a stomping version of "Kids wanna rock."
After that the band left the stage as Bryan Adams was left once again with just him and an acoustic guitar, again he played a newer song I wasn't familiar with before finishing with "Straight from the heart."

And after two hours and twenty minutes he left the stage for the last time.

I said at the top of this I wasn't expecting much from the show. Having attended I can only say this.

WOW, quite simply it's one of the best concerts I've ever been too.

Maybe your a fan, maybe your not. Maybe your a casual fan like myself who just know his hits. Whatever you are if you enjoy live music I cannot stress enough that you should see Canada's biggest export live.

Stormtroopers raid Teddy Bears' picnic

2008-10-28T12:41:00.000-07:00

If you go down to the woods today, forget about disguise - you'd better wear a hard hat and a hi-viz jacket.

Dingly Dell has fallen to the health and safety nazis.

For the past 12 years, retired builder Mike Kamp has been collecting firewood from the forest near his home at Betws-y-Coed, North Wales.

It's a right enshrined in the Magna Carta of 1215, the template for democracies around the world. Free men down the centuries have been granted the liberty to gather dead wood from common land to fuel their stoves, repair their homes and make charcoal.

That was before the Forestry Commission came along and started demanding that anyone wanting to collect wood would need a licence to forage.

Now it has imposed an outright ban, stating: 'This is an area where we are subject to increasing constraints in terms of health and safety. We have a duty of care to people in our wood.'

Note the use of the possessive our wood. It isn't their wood. It's common land and it belongs to everyone.

As Mr Kamp said: 'They are claiming there are health and safety issues. But people have walked through the woods collecting firewood for hundreds of years without too many safety problems.'

Precisely. I doubt there is one recorded incident of a firewood-related fatality in North Wales.

This, as usual, is about bureaucrats justifying their own sad existence and protecting their backs in the event of someone turning their ankle in a rabbit hole, ringing Blame Direct, and suing for compensation.

It's the same warped thinking which led to plans for an open-air ice rink in Bath this Christmas being abandoned because council officials feared it could be a magnet for paedophiles.

How sick do you have to be to reach that conclusion?

And a school in Colchester has banned children from bringing in broomsticks for Halloween in case they get hurt. In fairness, they were only following official advice on the NHS website:

'Be careful with witches' brooms made from sticks. If the sticks get dislodged, they are a choking hazard. These brooms should be labelled For Adult Use Only.'

You couldn't make it up. Where is it all going to end? We take you over now to a briefing at the multi-million pound headquarters of the government's Firewood Prevention, Health and Safety and Child Protection Joint Task Force.......

'Listen up, team. We've had a tip-off that a number of teddy bears are going down to the woods today and we want to maintain the element of surprise. So you'd better go in disguise.'

'For every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain because today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

'Every teddy bear who's been good is sure of a treat today. There's lots of marvellous things to eat and wonderful games to play.

'But they don't have a catering licence or a safety certificate. If anything goes wrong we could have carnage on our hands. Food poisoning, sprained ankles, it doesn't bear thinking about, if you'll pardon the pun.'

'I want the tactical support unit beneath the trees where nobody sees. They'll hide and seek as long as they please, 'cause that's the way the teddy bears have their picnic.

'And I don't want any heroics, either. If you go down to the woods today, you better not go alone. It's lovely down in the woods today, but safer to stay at home.'

'What do you want us to do, guv?' 'Watch them, catch them unawares.
See them gaily gad about, they love to play and shout, they never have any care.

'At six o'clock their mummies and daddies will take them home to bed, because they're tired little teddy bears. That's when we move in.'

'Why wait until six o'clock, guv?'

'We suspect a major paedophile ring is operating in the area.
After all, we've only got their word for it that they are mummies and daddies. Remember little Maddie?
'I want names and addresses and don't forget to read them their rights. They won't be getting off on a technicality.

'Social services are providing armed back-up, the helicopter is on standby and I'm bringing in the firewood squad. We believe that some of the contraband wood is being used to make offensive weapons - ie: witches' brooms.

'So let's do it to them, before they do it to themselves. And, hey, hey, hey. Let's be careful out there.'

Its not the sat-nav

2008-10-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

I was going to post a follow up to my last blog, but I seem to have misplaced it. So if you were waiting sorry but hey; thats life.

These days, we read every week about someone who has driven into something enormous and then blamed their sat-nav system.

Just the other day, a party of actors drove merrily into a swollen river and, after they’d been rescued from the stranded van by the fire brigade, said it was all the sat-nav’s fault.

Right. I see. So if you were driving towards a cliff and the lady in the dashboard said “straight on”, you’d do it, would you?

Then we heard about a woman — I shall spare your blushes, Paula, by keeping you anonymous — who has vowed never to use satellite navigation again after her system ordered her into the path of a speeding train.

I particularly enjoyed reading last Tuesday about a Syrian lorry driver who’d ended up beached on a small road in Skegness — while trying to get from Turkey to Gibraltar.

Needless to say, he claimed his sat-nav had gone mad but it had done no such thing. He’d simply given it the wrong destination.

We’re not talking about Mr Intelligence here. Because he’d presumably come to Britain on a cross-Channel ferry and at no point did his tiny little brain think: “Hang on a minute . . . ”

Of course, I’m not going to try to argue that all sat-nav systems are foolproof.

Indeed, the system used by BMW is hysterically terrible. It has never heard of the A40, the A1 or even Buckinham Palace Road, which has been around for over 100 years.

Then you have Mercedes, whose sat-nav-based traffic system is a work of fiction to rival Harry Potter. If it says the road ahead is blocked, you can absolutely guarantee it isn’t.

The best I’ve ever come across, weirdly, is the cheap handheld Navman. It knows about the A40, for instance, and it’s so easy to understand, even a Syrian lorry driver could manage.

However even this one does not know, as it steers you over a level crossing, whether a train is coming. That’s why your car is fitted with a steering wheel, brakes and space for someone who by law, must have functioning eyes.

I know, of course, that in this day and age, cars are blamed for everything: Cancer, the downfall of the economy and the demise of the polar bear.

But when it comes to sat-nav, we have to stop blaming the car and start, instead, mass executions of the stupid.

Calling the police......

2008-09-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

One of the curious aspects of modern life is how the police are no longer revered by those who used to be their staunchest supporters.

This brilliantly-written email to Devon and Cornwall police starkly illustrates the frustrations felt by people who, 20 years ago, would have backed the police without question.

You must read it all the way through. Next time I’ll bring you the reply the writer got from the community beat officer, and what he then said to the bobby.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated Telephone Answering Service,

Having spent the past 20 minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin Police Station to pick up a telephone, I have decided to abandon the idea and try emailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or a ouija board.

As I am writing this email, there are 11 failed medical experiments (I think you will call them “youths”) in St Mary’s Crescent, which is just off St Mary’s Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

This causes an earth-shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

The game is now in its third week and I am unsure how the scoring system works, and have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it is only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go as far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately, they are more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this – after replying to this email with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three-point turn and disappearing again.

This will, of course, serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks, you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four-month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant.

Scam alert!!!!!!

2008-09-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since i had any real crap in my main email box.
But today I haven't been let down, this afternoon I checked my mail and I found this.....

But after that I found this polite note from that nice Mr Song Li

Good Day ,

My name is Mr. Song Li. I work with the Hang Seng Bank. There is
a sum of $19,500,000.00 in my bank Hang Seng Bank", Hong Kong.
There were no beneficiaries stated concerning these funds which
means no one would ever come to claim it. That is why I ask that
we work together.

I do solicit for your assistance in effecting this transaction.
I intend to give 30% of the total funds as compensation for your
assistance. I will notify you on the full transaction on
receipt of your response if interested, and I shall send you the
details and necessary procedures with which to make the transfer.

E-mail;mrsong_li_01@yahoo.com.hk

Should you be interested? Please send me your:
1. Full names
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address

Kind Regards,
Mr. Song Li.

Well that sounds like the offer of a life time doesn't it gentle reader?

How far did you read through before you guessed this is a scam?

I just googled Song Li and Hang Seng Bank and I got a return of 218,000 hits. Looks like Mr Song Li has been a busy boy.

Do people really fall for this rubbish? And if they do should they even be allowed to use a computer unsupervised anyway?

Sarah Palin

2008-09-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Frank Sinatra would have got the joke. In the words of the great political philosopher, they all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round.

They're all laughing, too, at John McCain for choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate. The usual suspects took one look at this pistol-packin' momma and reacted like John McEnroe to a disputed line call: you cannot be serious!

Certainly, the pick came, as the Americans say, out of left field. But Sarah Palin is centre stage now, and suddenly it's game on.

At the very least, McCain has got a wonderful sense of mischief - a quality sadly lacking in most politicians.

The way the Left, both here and in America, are contorting themselves is a joy to behold. Sarah Palin is every Guardianista's worst nightmare.

It's reminiscent of how they used to patronise Mrs Thatcher 30 years ago. What did this small-town girl know about anything?

How could any woman expect to run a country and raise a family? What does she know about foreign affairs?

Of course, they weren't saying that a woman couldn't be Prime Minister, you understand. Just not this woman.

Shirley Williams would have been fine, but this ghastly, lower middle- class Snobby Roberts woman from Grantham, of all places - AAARGH!

It's been hilarious watching the sisterhood tie themselves in knots over Sarah Palin.

They've been in full Glenda Slagg mode - dontcha just hate her, dontcha just love her?
On the one hand she's a feisty, capable woman shaking up the political establishment, while juggling a family and career. I don't know how she does it.

But on the other, she's a Godfearing, gun-totin', good ol' girl. She hunts, she fishes - she's a Republican, for goodness' sake.

Sarah Palin is every red-blooded redneck's fantasy figure, every randy schoolboy's Mrs Robinson. She could have stepped straight out of one of long-lost cousin Michael's Ripping Yarns.

Cheerleader, beauty queen, dominatrix of the Harper Valley PTA, mother of five, mayor, governor and now a heartbeat away from the Vice-Presidency.

You couldn't make her up. Law And Order's Fred Thompson, once a presidential candidate himself, hit the baby seal on the head when he said the Left were in a blind panic over what to do about Palin.

What they are doing is what they usually do when confronted with something which offends their world view - character assassination. Every 'liberal' newspaper and TV network has sent hatchet men north to Alaska to dig for the dirt beneath the tundra.

What they discovered is that 80 per cent of Alaskans think she's doing a great job.

A supermarket tabloid is claiming she had an affair, which she denies. Apart from that, the worst the scandal-hounds have come up with is that Palin, as governor, put pressure on a police chief to fire her former brother-in-law.

Given that said brother-in-law had beaten up her sister and threatened to kill her father, I'd say that far from abusing her office, she showed considerable restraint. I'm surprised she didn't put a bullet in his head.

The big talking point is the pregnancy of Palin's 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, who is soon to marry her boyfriend. That's what I call a shotgun wedding.

Still, it kills the wild rumour that Bristol is really the mother of Palin's Down's syndrome baby, Trig.

You've just got to like a woman who calls her son after a character in Only Fools And Horses. Although it's probably fair to assume she doesn't have a working knowledge of Cockney rhyming slang, otherwise her daughter would never have been christened Bristol.

When Palin talks about shattering the glass ceiling, the sisters are supposed to cheer - except most of them suspect her idea of shattering a glass ceiling would be with a both barrels blast from a 12-bore.

She epitomises the 'God and guns' mentality at which Barack Obama and his supporters sneer. They use 'small town' as a pejorative term. That's not how Middle America sees it.

John Mellencamp wrote his hit song Small Town as an ironic take on Hicksville, USA. He even performed it at an Obama rally earlier this year.

But that hasn't stopped Middle Americans adopting it as an anthem. Mellencamp must be just as horrified as Springsteen was when Ronald Reagan purloined his anti-war Born In The USA as a campaign song.

It's not that the Americans don't do irony, as European 'sophisticates' always maintain.

It's just that sometimes, my dear, they don't give a damn. A good song is a good song - and to hell with the message.

Most Americans were born and raised in a small town. Her values are their values.

The mantra from the Obama camp is that she lacks the experience to be VP. In truth, she has more executive experience than either Obama or his Neil Kinnock-impersonator sidekick mate Joe Biden, neither of whom has ever run anything.

But, wail the sceptics, what about foreign affairs? Admittedly, Palin has never slagged off her country at a mass rally in Berlin. But Alaska's next door to Russia. She's got more experience of dealing with Russians than anyone outside of corporate hospitality at Stamford Bridge.

Who is Putin more likely to be wary of - Barack 'we must negotiate with dictators' Obama, or Looby Loo packing heat?

To paraphrase the Duke of Wellington, I don't know what she does to the enemy, but she scares the life out of me.

Palin reminds me of the old joke about what's the difference between the IRA and a woman with PMT? You can negotiate with the IRA.

What she does have in spades is experience of the energy industry - the number one concern right now. Palin would drill, drill and drill some more - polar bears or no polar bears. And when the oil companies got greedy, she imposed a windfall tax. Unlike Gordon Brown, who'd keep it (and today gave in to the energy companies and didn't have the guts to impose a windfall tax), she gave every Alaskan a $1,200 rebate.

With all the hoop-la, it's easy to forget that she's running for Vice-President, not President.

Not yet anyway.

That's what really frightens her condescending opponents. Not that we've a leg to stand on this side of the pond. We've got Harriet Harman a chewed fingernail away from the top job - and she's never shot a moose in her life.

Everything wrong with Britian, in a single letter

2008-08-30T13:29:00.000-07:00

This letter was sent in to a national newspaper this week. It should have been an open letter to every politician in the country.

It hasn't been edited in any way.

My name is Kelly. I know you must get a hundred letters like this every week but I need to rant, and what’s the point in writing to a politician – they are too busy with the environment to care.

I am 24 years old. I have been with my partner for four years and we have a mortgage (it’s interest-only, but in 50 years it’ll be worth it!!).

I work 48 hours a week on minimum wage, which brings in roughly £200 a week, give or take £2, and my partner earns £1,000 a month. We had life OK until exactly nine weeks ago when my son was born.

The baby has a few secondhand things because, as you can see, we don’t have much cash to spare. But we scrimped and saved and got an overdraft to cover the cost of everything else. We thought we were doing well.

Until, of course, I was eight months pregnant and my work made me go on maternity leave!!

Everybody told me I’d be fine: “You’ll get maternity money”, “he’ll get paternity pay”, “you’ll get child tax credits”, “you’ll get a maternity grant”, “you’ll get child tax credits”.

So still I thought, yeah, we’ll manage.

Well, fast-forward nine weeks and we are £1,400 into our overdraft with no way out and my son dresses head to toe in George.

I get £113 maternity pay. My partner had to take two weeks’ holiday because we couldn’t afford paternity pay. I get £20 child tax credit and am not entitled to working tax credit because I am under 25!!

I’m not entitled to a maternity grant because, believe it or not, I’m still classed as being in full-time employment. For the same reason, I can’t ask for help with milk or the council tax.

I have nine months off (including the month before the baby was born) then I’m expected to go back to work and leave my eight-month-old baby in a nursery.

All of this would be fine, I would grumble and get on with it. Babies are expensive, that’s life.

BUT . . . I’m in this position because I have a partner. Because my baby has a daddy. Because I have a job.

If I was single or on benefits, my rent would be paid, ditto my council tax. I would have been given £500 to buy the baby a pram and cot, etc.

I would still receive £113 maternity pay, but I would also get an extra £100 each week in child and tax credits, regardless of my age. My son, instead of receiving the £250 child trust fund from the Government, would get £500.

And to top it all off, I would be paid to be with my son and would not be expected to go back to work until he is seven!!

I’m absolutely gutted! I’m so sick and tired of this country. HOW IS THIS FAIR??? Why is my family being punished for being exactly that, A FAMILY!!!!?

Why is it suddenly better to be single? Or a layabout content to live off benefits? Why is the Government ONLY helping single parent families and rewarding the idiots of the land who refuse to work and contribute like everybody else?

I feel cheated by so-called Great Britain. From where I’m sitting, it’s not so great.

All I can say is that in 50 years, when I’ve paid off my overdraft and my mortgage, my grandkids will be visiting me in Australia because as soon as I can, I’m turning my back on the country that has already turned its back on me and my family.

Thank you for your time and sorry to have dragged on so much.

Kelly and family xxx

Personaly i don't think she dragged on at all.
What she does do is highlights the shame that the leaders of modern britian should feel.
People like Kelly don't matter, white and working class she sidelined.

Kelly pays taxes, the very same taxes that pay the wages of the people in charge of running the country. They have a duty to make the green and plesant a better place for people like Kelly.

Instead they chose to ignore her plight and champion minority groups and pontless causes. Money is spent on excorcises designed to make it look like they are doing something rather than doing anything.

Maybe if some of the policticans were to be dragged to Kelly's table for a few weeks and had to live like her, they might just change their minds about what causes to champion.

Sexual Outercourse

2008-08-25T10:03:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered what they teach in schools now days?

I’m not going to look at the whole curriculum but here’s a couple of examples.

In Cornwall, swearing lessons are now part of the syllabus. Pupils ages 11 to 16 at the Callington Community Collage were encouraged to write down as many swear words as they can think of as part of their “Personal, Social and Health Education” module; whatever the hell that is.

When I was at school we had reading, writing and arithmetic. Not Personal, Social and Health Education. And a module was Samantha Fox.

Now they have courses covering sex, drugs, smoking and relationships. This is back of the bike sheds stuff. Since when has the average 15 year old needed tutoring in sex, drugs and smoking?

We managed quite well without any help from Mr Chips thank you very much.

I was better at sex, drugs and smoking than I was at geography. By the time I was 15 I could have passed A-level smoking standing on my head.
I was knocking out Haliborange tablets, 8 for 2 punts (Irish pounds) to gullible classmates convinced they were pep pills. I got richer and they got healthier.

By the 5th year we had the condom concession sewn up, courtesy of one of the lads who had a Saturday job sweeping up at a barbers shop.
Now they more than likely hand out rubber johnnies like we got school milk.

Is any of this really necessary? Especially in an age when a significant number of pupils leave school functionally illiterate and innumerate?

I’ve got a couple of old mates from my school days. One of them was called Spot, on the account of his moonscape acne. The other still answers to the name of Torch, even though his flame red hair fell out when his was around 25.

We were reflecting over a couple of pints of the black stuff on weather kids are allowed nicknames any more. Surely calling someone Spot would be seen as an unfair attack on the dermatologically challenged and would lead to the inevitable letter from Claims Direct.

Giving someone a moniker on account of their physical characteristics would probably be considered a form of racism today.

So what’s behind these swearing lessons?

“The object is to get pupils to look at their language and see if they know what their saying. A lot of swear words are homophobic, racist and offensive to women.” Said teacher Paul Gibson.

Ah ha that explains it.

Of course we should discourage children from gratuitous abuse. But an obsession with homophobia, racism and sexism has been elevated to a religion in many schools to the point where actually teaching pupils to read and write comes a distant second.

So now they get lessons in subject which would have got them expelled a few years ago.

In Devon it seems schoolchildren were being given lessons in mutual masturbation. I don’t know about you, but that’s something most of us will have worked out for themselves. Practical instruction used to take place at playtime behind the bike sheds. They’ve even got a fancy new name for it - Sexual Outercourse.

I wonder how long it will be before that expression enters the language?

“The referee‘s an outer courser.”

Thousands of kids are leaving school without being able to read or write properly. Yet someone thought it worthwhile taking time out of the school curriculum to deliver tuition in hand relief to 14 and 15 year old boys and girls.

“Now pay attention children, here’s something I tossed off earlier.”

At least it won’t be difficult getting them to do their homework.
“Tracey, what do you think your doing?”
“I‘m just helping Wayne with his revision mum.”

It’s the only subject where you get a prize for coming last. I wonder what my old English teacher, Spud Taylor would have made of it all.

We would have been able to call him Spud for a start, tuberist.

But I am trying to imagine his reaction if I had put my hand up in class.

“Yes, what is it now?”
“Excuse me sir, I was just wondering.”
“Come on boy, spit it out, we haven‘t got all day.”
“Well sir, it‘s, um…”
“Get on with it boy.”
“Er, pardon me sir, but how many ‘l’s are there in bollocks? ”

UFO mystery solved

2008-07-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

My favourite news story from the past few weeks comes from the Telegraph newspaper.

As unlikely as it seems, it would appear that the South Wales police have solved the mystery of UFO’s.

A local made a 999 call to South Wales police after monitoring a “Bright, stationary” object loitering in the sky for at least half an hour.

What follows is the trascript, It was too good not to repost……..

Control: “South Wales Police, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “It’s not really. I just need to inform you that across the mountain there’s a bright stationary object.”

Control: “Right.”

Caller: “If you’ve got a couple of minutes perhaps you could find out what it is? It’s been there at least half an hour and it’s still there.”

Control: “It’s been there for half an hour. Right. Is it actually on the mountain or in the sky?”

Caller: “It’s in the air.”

Control: “I will send someone up there now to check it out.”

Caller: “OK.”

After the police patrol car arrives, the script reveals the exchange between the control room and the police officer sent to the scene.

Control: “Alpha Zulu 20, this object in the sky, did anyone have a look at it?”

Officer: “Yes, it’s the moon. Over.”

Full mental jacket

2008-07-28T07:46:00.000-07:00

At what point does Health and Safety go from being a sensible precaution, to completely ludicrous?

Is it when a man playing Lord Nelson in an re-enactment of the Battle of Trafalgar is forced to wear a life jacket?

Or is it when a man playing Jesus has to stand on scaffolding during an re-enactment of the crucifixion during an Easter parade?

You may think I’ve made these examples up, but you would be wrong. It seems not only are no parts of our lives untouched by the Health and Safety brigade these days but they seem hell bent on justifying their jobs.

Mind I guess if I was on 60 thousand a year of taxpayers money with a car and index linked pension throw in, I might feel obliged to do something with my days.

But it seems that they haven’t even gotten started yet.

Word reaches me of a Royal marine who’s just returned from a tour of duty in Iraq.

Based in Basra he was one day ordered to take a JCB a short distance from the base to dig a hole for soil testing.

Nothing too strange about that you might think?

But as he was about to leave kitted out in full-body armour and helmet, he was told he had to wear a high-visibility vest over the top because it was technically a construction site and normal British Health and Safety rules applied.

It would have easier to just paint a target on his back.

Iron Maiden (2 of 2)

2008-07-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

Grey, overcast and downright miserable.

That was the impression I got of the sky on Saturday morning as I looked out of a bedroom window.

It goes without saying that it was pissing down.

Still I had paid for my ticket, and it was Iron Maiden; no amount of bad weather would put me off.

Having spent the night at a friends, it was for the first part of the day; a case of hanging around and waiting for the rest of our group to turn up.

Everybody having arrived at around 2pm we set out, thankfully one of us doesn’t drink so the car became an option. Finding a parking place some 15 minutes walk away from the legendary Twickenham stadium we made the last part of the journey on foot.

I had never been to the home of English rugby before, and as it rounded into view I had to admit; I was a little disappointed. It was just so grey.

Still at 3:30 the gates opened and the crowd began to filter in, having waited for the initial queues to die down my group made our own way through the gates and on to the matted pitch.

Opting to part with our money in exchange for drinks we settled down along the sidelines as we awaited the show to begin.

Lauren Harris

Being the daughter of Steve Harris, Iron Maiden’s bassist, main song writer, founder member and general leader it would only be fair to say that there was a small amount of nepotism involved with her placement on the bill.

But did she really deserve to be there? To be honest it’s hard to say. As she took to the stage the venue was still half empty.

Anyone who has ever been to a stadium gig will know that a half filled place echoes like hell and plays hell with the sound.

For most of her set I couldn’t understand a word she was singing.

However she tried hard, and even joked about how awful the sound was. Her energy was infectious and she seemed to be able to please the front 10 rows at least.

Towards the last 5 minutes the sound had improved enough that I could actually hear her sing, while I wouldn’t say I’m a fan yet. I’d be interested in seeing her again with a more suitable PA.

Within Temptation

I had never heard of the Dutch gothic rockers before, so had no idea what to expect.
The first thing that was obvious as singer Sharon den Adel began to belt out her operatic style, was that the sound had improved a great deal since Lauren Harris had departed the stage.

The style was a mix of gothic, operatic, rock and metal. And most importantly, it worked.

Managing to walk the line between being entertaining and laughable they put on a fine display for the uneducated like myself.

How good did I think they were? Well the following day I dropped by a large record store and picked up their latest CD.

Avenged Sevenfold

The last of the support acts; the band had a lot to live to. Not only did they have to be better than Within Temptation but they also had a large following of their own in the crowd to please.

Unfortunately they didn’t, I wanted to like them. But as a live band they are shockingly bad. The harmony guitars sound like a cats being strangled. The singer was completely incomprehensible.

Which is a shame, as the vocalist when he spoke, had a genuine charm. You couldn’t help but get the impression that he felt privileged to be there, and even more privileged that most of the crowd seemed to enjoy their stuff.

But me, I just thought they were shit.

So that was it, the support bands out of the way. I didn’t stay till the end of Avenged Sevenfold’s set; I left for the outer concourse. Enjoyed a death-burger and another pint.

And then as UFO’s song “Doctor Doctor” (A song that Iron Maiden covered as a B-side) began to play over the PA I knew it was time to re-enter, rejoin my friend and make my way upfront for the main event.

Iron Maiden

Two huge screens flanked the stage, showing clips of the band on tour, this gave way to images of World War 2 as Winston Churchill’s famous “We will fight them on the beaches” speech was blasted through the speakers.

No sooner had Churchill said the magic line “We will never surrender” than pyrotechnics exploded into life and the opening bars of Aces High rang out.

As the song picked up-tempo the band charged the stage and just like on my DVD, the crowd went wild.

The set was Egyptian themed, with an elaborate lighting display. The backdrop curtain was of the sliding veracity providing a different theme for every song.

As the last bar of the first song closed Adrian Smith began the riff to open Two Minutes to Midnight.

Bruce Dickinson changed into a red 19th centaury army jacket for The Trooper.

Wasted Years proved to be the big sing along song of the night, 55,000 voices in unison must have been heard all across West London.

Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner proved to be another hit, for the slow part of the 13-minute epic the lighting rig was lowered and sent swaying to match the musical picture.

Powerslave sent the fans into a screaming frenzy, the screams turned to chants for Heaven Can Wait.

Another massive sing along came with Fear Of The Dark, and before we knew it the bands final song; the self titled Iron Maiden.

At the half way stage of the song the giant sarcophagus hanging around at the back split open to revel the biggest Eddie yet, covered in bandages this was a bigger and bidder version of the one from Live After Death

And all too soon it was over.

Throughout the night both Bruce Dickinson and Steve Harris had run the length of the stage, showing more vigour and stamina than men half their age.

Bruce’s powerful vocals were on top form all night, with Revelations being a particular highlight.

As ever Steve Harris played his bass perfectltly, with speed and passion.

Janick Gers had danced and pranced like a lunatic, how he manages to play guitar at the same time defies belief. Although it sounded like there were a few bum notes in his solos the way the man moves it can only be expected.

The rather more reserved Adrian Smith and Dave Murray also played their parts. Laying down solid rhythms and inspiring solos.

And last but not least Nicko McBrain, you can never see him behind that drum kit. But you can hear him, never the same fill twice its no wonder he is a legend among all other drummers.

But it wasn’t over yet, Bruce Dickinson returned to the stage to promise despite whatever roomers were going around. Iron Maiden would record another studio album.

Then a brief mention of culture as Dave Murray took up an acoustic guitar for the opening of Moonchild.

All the stops were pulled out as one last giant Eddie from Somewhere on tour gave the band one last chance to dodge their own theatrical theme.

And then it was Hallowed be Thy Name, the most rocking version of it yet.

The band played with a passion and conviction that others can only dream of. There is a reason why so many other bands fell by the wayside while Iron Maiden went from strength to strength.

They always said they were a live band, and at Twickenham they proved why.

Last time I asked could a band where the youngest member hits 50 this year still do it 23 years on from Live After Death.

My opinion.

Not only can they still do it, their even better at it.

Set list

Churchill's Speech
Aces High
2 minutes to midnight
Revelations
The Trooper
Wasted Years
Number of the Beast
Run to the hills
Rime of the ancient mariner
Powerslave
Heaven can wait
Can I Play with madness
Fear of the Dark
Iron Maiden

Encore

Moonchild
The Clairvoyant
Hallowed be thy name

Iron Maiden (1 of 2)

2008-07-04T18:14:00.001-07:00

To celebrate the release of “Live after death” on DVD Iron Maiden will take to the stage tonight on their “Somewhere back in time” tour. The tours name is obviously a play on the 1986 album “Somewhere in time.”

Given that this will be Iron Maiden's only appearance in this part of the world for the next two years it would just be rude not to attend the event.
And so I will be among the 55.000 strong crowd there to watch the band as they preform at the legendary Twickenham stadium.

Of course I will be posting my review of the concert, but before I do; I have opted to go back and review the now 23 year old Live after death on which the concert is based.

On October 14th 1985 Iron Maiden released their first true live album Live after death, simultaneously the then current video format VHS companion was unleashed upon the world.

The album would go one to not only be rated as one of the best live rock recordings, but one of the best live recordings of any genre ever. It is considered compulsory viewing for almost any artist who wishes to learn the art of stagecraft.

So what made Live after death so special? Why is it that this one album is viewed as sitting so highly above all others.

For years now fans have been screaming for a DVD release of Live after death, and in February of this year they got their wish.

The fear was always that it would seem a little dated 23 years on, but like the band themselves; its stood the test of time.
Although the sound has been remastered for the digital age, it hasn't been over produced. The visuals have been cleaned up but not altered, while the images may not be as sharp as modern recordings it is to be expected; it was filmed 23 years ago after all. Technology has moved on.

For this review I will be using the DVD.

I had originally owned the VHS version in my mid teens, fast-forward 17 years and like many other fans had rushed out to acquired the newly released DVD.

Although I could remember my old video, which meant i knew exactly what i was about to see and hear I still felt a sense of excitement as images of the crowd began to appear on the screen accompanied by the sounds of Winston Churchill giving his famous “We will fight them on the..” speech through the PA system.

No sooner does Churchill finish than the opening half-time riff of Aces high begins, and the crowd cheers. With a drum roll the curtain drops to revel the stage and the band are seen for the first time. If the crowd were cheering before, now they break into a frenzy.

Over the course of the next 90 minutes Iron Maiden prove why they are considered one of the world greatest live bands.

The twin guitars of Dave Murray and Adrian Smith are in perfect sync, unlike many two guitar bands its impossible to tell their rhythm pieces apart. I can think of many other big name metal bands who suffer from one guitarist starting a riff just before his partner. (Hint: The worst criminal of this offence bands name starts with M and ends in A)

The lead guitars are equally spot on, with their individual styles shining throughout the concert.

Dave Murray's blues based style and fast legato runs flow seamlessly from his fingers, his solo during the slow part of Powerslave is particularly a moving piece of blues guitar.

Adrian Smith's style is a complete opposite, melodic and slightly flashier. But all his leads are still executed with the stunning professionalism. While having more than a few tricks up his sleeve he doesn't use flash playing for the sake of it, it's always there to tell part of a musical story.

The two styles, while wildly different seem to compliment each other. Two half's of a whole they rap around each other to complete a musical picture.

Vocalist and front man Bruce Dickinson is on top form here, admittedly he seems a little too eager during aces high he soon settles down and puts in the performance of a lifetime. Not only does he sing with conviction (note to imitators: sing not scream) but he has a passion. Even when he talks to the crowd he oozes charm of someone who is simply lost in the moment.

There is little that can be said about the bands rhythm section that hasn't already been said. It's no wonder that Steve Harris is considered a bass legend. His playing is as tight as a ducks ass, almost by instinct he seems to know when to be the link between the drums and harmonic section, and when to go nuts and pop up out and take his own turn at being a star.

And last but not least drummer Nicko McBrian, when many other drummers were adopting a twin cam systems he refused claiming that it was cheating; and here he sows why. He has a very fast right foot.
Never playing the same fill twice the skin basher not only is the one to keep the rest of the band in time, but its sense of fun too.

Before i asked why this recording was so special, the answer is simple. Not only is this a group of musicians on top form, but it also 5 guys who are loving what they do. It isn't going through the motions. unlike many bands they don't hold back the hits till after the show to guarantee an encore.

Iron Maiden have always maintained that they are a live band, live after death contains what many consider definitive versions of many songs. And you can see why, there is an enthusiasm and energy that is lacking on other live albums.
Quite simply it is a band at the top of their game, and a band loving what they do.

To cut a long story short, if you like rock music then Live after death is a must have in your collection.

However the big question is still to come, 23 years later how will it stand up? Stay tuned to find out......

Brushing up

2008-06-15T11:47:00.000-07:00

In the Sunday papers this week it was revealed that a "Smile With The Prophet" initiative being run by the NHS in Bradford.

According to the local primary care trust, and I quote 'Using a specially developed syllabus, mosque leaders and teachers help to spread the word about oral health, encouraging youngsters to brush their teeth daily through the teachings of the Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) and Islam.'

Is there an equal programme tailored to the individual oral hygiene challenges faced by Anglicans, Catholics, Hindus, Sikhs or Seventh Day Adventists?

Admittedly, it's a long time since I was thrown out of Sunday school for smoking behind the church hall. But I don't remember the vicar ever dispensing advice on gum disease in his sermons.

There was plenty about the wailing and gnashing of teeth but, to the best of my knowledge, nothing on flossing.

Still, anything which keeps children out of the dentist's chair has to be welcome, though I can't see how the oral hygiene needs of Muslim children are any different from those of any other faith.

Mind you, it can't be easy brushing your teeth in a burqa.

THE ENGINEER'S PHRASEBOOK

2008-06-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

Like most people I get a lot of Email. And just like most people a lot of it is crap, however now and then I get something worth reading. As an engineer I write a lot of reports to my superiors, managers, finance directors etc.

So when I got an Email listing what engineers say compared to what they mean, I fount it a bit on the funny side; thought I’d share.

THE ENGINEER'S PHRASEBOOK

· MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - Back to the drawing board.

· DEVELOPED AFTER YEARS OF INTENSIVE RESEARCH - It was discovered by accident.

· PROJECT SLIGHTLY BEHIND ORIGINAL SCHEDULE DUE TO UNFORSEEN DIFFICULTIES - We are working on something else.

· THE DESIGNS ARE WELL WITHIN ALLOWABLE LIMITS - We just made it, stretching a point or two.

· CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS BELIEVED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us.

· CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.

· THE DESIGN WILL BE FINALIZED IN THE NEXT REPORTING PERIOD - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

· A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

· EXTENSIVE EFFORT IS BEING APPLIED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

· PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS ARE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

· THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only guy who understood the thing quit.

· MODIFICATIONS ARE UNDERWAY TO CORRECT CERTAIN MINOR DIFFICULTIES - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

· TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - It works, and boy; no ones more surprised than us!

The greater good?

2008-06-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

The man stabbed to death outside McDonald's in London's Oxford Street was on bail awaiting trial for gang rape.

Steven Bigby was one of ten men accused of raping a girl and pouring caustic soda over her to destroy evidence.

He was also due to go on trial next month accused of wounding and violent disorder.

You might well ask what on earth he was doing out on bail in the first place.

Still, no great loss. Sounds like whoever killed him did us all a favour.

Global warming scam is still on

2008-06-01T03:00:00.000-07:00

In all the acres of coverage of 'climate change', here's something you won't have read.

Last week, Dr Arthur Robinson, of the University of Oregon, announced to a packed Washington Press Conference that 31,000 scientists had signed an online petition challenging the conventional wisdom that man-made C02 emissions were causing 'global warming'.

He said he was aware that critics would claim this list was phoney, but said signatories had been carefully vetted and at least 9,000 had PhDs.

This went largely unreported on either side of the Atlantic. Any dissent from the great global warming scam, however valid, is dismissed as heresy.

Currently, an eight-day 'climate change' festival is taking place in of all places, Birmingham.

Having been to Birminham a few times I've had the chance to get to know a few locals quite well. If you asked them how the climate has changed in the last thirty years, they will more than likely tell you that they haven't noticed much change.

It as damp and as rain soaked as ever.

However if anything, the air's cleaner than ever since most of the heavy, metal-bashing industries closed down; and the fumes from the old Ansell's Brewery and HP Sauce factory no longer hang heavy in the wind.

Still, why let the facts ruin the party?
Let's hope it stays dry for them.

Here we go again.....

2008-06-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

They never give up, do they? The Government is spending £6million on a campaign telling the middle-classes they drink too much.

Never mind that the real problem is under-age and binge drinkers, and girls who get so sozzled every Saturday night they end up lying in the gutter with their knickers round their ankles.

Some of us have long since suspected that having banned smoking, the purse-lipped puritans would turn their attentions to drinking next.

One advert has someone ordering a 'pint of three units'. A bottle of wine is relabelled 'a chilled bottle of ten units'.

'We're not saying don't drink,' said health minister Dawn Primarolo.

Well thats good of you sweetheart. She continues 'We're saying here's the information in a non-judgmental, directly identifiable environment.'

Give me strength. Just how stupid does Patronising Primarolo think we are?

"Large VAT, please. Better make it four units."

Goverment advice? Fat lot of good it is.

2008-05-25T16:12:00.000-07:00

We are under constant attack.

Not from a provisional wing of some terrorist organisation, or the latest super bug. But from our own governments. The nanny state isn't happy unless they are interfering in our lives, and right now their latest kick seems to be our eating habits.

Almost every time you turn on the television you are assaulted by spokesmen or women telling us; we must eat our five portions of fruit or veg a day. If we do not then we shall become horribly unfit, and more than likely die tomorrow.

I won't go into detail on how I eat but here's a brief idea of what i had today.
A banana this morning, peas and carrots with a Sunday roast that was washed down with a glass of apple juice; and I snacked on some cherry tomatoes this evening.
There you go, I've hit my five a day.
I didn't plan it, nor did I need a load of taxpayers hard earned cash wasted on pointless adverts to tell me how to eat.

So why do I call this government advertising pointless? After all I may just have a particularly good diet. The reason I call it pointless is simple, despite our lords and masters forcing healthy eating down our throats (no pun intended) obesity in children and teenagers is on the rise.

So the question is, when millions are spent every year on advertising, teacher training on how to eat well and over inflated salary's of five a day co-ordinators; why are we suffering from a fat epidemic?

Well i think the answer is simple, exercise.

It's all very well eating a healthy diet, but quite simply if you don't get off your backside once in a while it won't keep you healthy.

Competitive sports have been all but banned, because there has to be a loser.
Adventure playgrounds have been torn down, because of health and safety.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

Many of the activities that I took part in during my childhood, just aren't done by the current young generation.
There is no where for them to go, nothing to do.
And so they sit at home, watching TV, playing video games and messing around on the internet.
What they don't do is discover the world outside and burn off a few calories.

But all of this has a knock on effect too, apparently the current young generation is the most miserable and depressed ever. The modern lifestyle has a negative impact on the mental health of someone who should be developing into their prime.

Growing up me and my friends has video games, ok so they lacked the sophistication of what's on the market today. But it was what we had, and we enjoyed them. But given the choice we would be outside with our friends and a football.

We ran, we jumped, we climbed trees; sometimes we would also fall out; but that just made us tougher and more determined to succeed the next time we tried. In short, we get out.

We weren't driven to school, we walked.

Playing out not only gave us the exorcise we needed, but it had a stunning side effect. We made friend, with real people our own age. As a result when in face to face situations my generation has far better social skills than that of the younger one.
We were not only fitter, but happier as well; and we still are.

So if your a kid reading this, and wondering why the five a day diet isn't working for you.
Here's a hint.

Get off your fat backside, get outside with a ball and head to the local park. Your soon find a few people will come up and ask if they can have a kick around with you.

Not only will you be doing you body some good, but you may discover there's more to the world than playing play station and downloading porn.

Madeleine McCann

2008-04-27T01:40:00.000-07:00

IS it just me or are the McCanns getting on your nerves too?

I have enormous sympathy for them losing a child but I am getting fed up of them blaming everyone else for their misfortune.

I heard about the McCanns’ latest trip around Europe while on holiday and although I think the amber alert system is a good idea, if I ever need tips on childcare from the McCanns I’ll ask.

Now, in a new TV documentary, Kate says that she wanted a baby monitor but the resort didn’t have one. So instead she, Gerry and the Tapas Seven made the bizarre decision to eat out every night and leave three young children home alone.

I’m sorry, in any language that’s child neglect. So instead of touring Europe proposing amber alert systems, I would like them to clearly just send out one message to all parents:

"NEVER EVER MAKE OUR MISTAKE AND LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE IN A STRANGE HOTEL ROOM."

And, by the way, I’m not being heartless, just honest.

I am also fed up to the back teeth of the smears and counter smears from both camps, so why don’t the McCanns and the Tapas Seven just shut up, get on the plane, return to Portugal and do the police reconstruction?

At the same time, why don’t the Portuguese plods stop spinning and start analysing; either charge them formally or remove their official suspect status?

It’s nearly a year since little Madeleine went missing and the focus needs to return to her, not the other characters in this sorry saga.

Good Morning, Mr Ripper

2008-04-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

The BBC is determind not to be judgemental. In the last couple of weeks alone the Today programme on Radio 4 has given a platform to a man so he could explain why he shouldn’t have been hounded out of his school job – after his coviction for indecently assulting a fifteen year old girl came to light.

It followed it up this week by allowing a former primary school headmaster to tell us why he should be free to resume his career despite serving a three month sentence for downloading child pornography.

I couldn’t help but wonder where they would draw the line.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Good morning. You’re listening to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 with me, James Naughtie. All this fortnight we’re been looking at wheather sex offenders should be allowed to work as teachers. Today has learnt of another victim of the current witch hunt. Jack the Ripper has been suspended from his job as a biology teacher at the Osama Bin Laden Middle School, in Whitechapple, East London. Even though his appointment was approved by the education secretary, Ruth Kelly. It has been reviealed that Mr Ripper has been on the sex offenders register for the past 117 years after being linked to up to eighteen gruesome murders of young women in the East End. But Miss Kelly decided, on the recommendation of civil servents, that he no longer represented a threat. Mr Ripper joins me now in our studio. Good morning to you Mr Ripper.”

“Call me Jack Jim.”

“Very well, Jack. You were responsible for the savage killing of at least five women and suspected of murdering some thirteen more. Do you think that in itself should mark you out as someone unsuitable to teach in schools or not?”

“In my case Jim, I am suggesting it should not. I mean the girls were prostitues-”

“Let me interrunpt you there Jack. We don’t say ‘prostitues’ any more. We say ‘Sex workers.’”

“Sex workers, prostitues. Common whores, whatever. The point I’m making is that they were quite happy to sell their bodies.”

“But they had a right, did they not? To expect to conduct their busniess in saftey. Do you accept that in killing them and slicing them up your behaviour may be considered, in some quarters; as inappropriate?”

“No doubt there are some people who will say that Jim, But the point is, there was no evidence of a sexual relationship.”

“So you’re sayin that you should have never have been placed on the sex offenders register in the first place?”

“Took the words right out of my mouth.”

“Interesting, and forgive me for pressing you on this this. Can you see, and I’m not passing judgement here, how some murdering and dismembering at least five sex workers. Who were, after all, victims of society and only forced into pros – er, the sexual services sector. Which is, er, why the government this week introduced new laws designed-”

“Is there a question in there somewhere Jim?”

“I do the interrupting on this programme Jack.”

“Fair enough Jim”

“What I was going to say was, don’t you think that at the very least there was an element of misjudgement on your part?”

“I fully accept that there was an error of judgement on my part, yes. But you have to understandthat it was all a very long time ago. I was depressed, I’d been working too hard and was under a lot of stress. That was a very different Jack the Ripper back then to the Jack the Ripper speaking to you today.”

“I take you point that you were depressed at the time. But don’t you agree that you, if this isn’t too harsh a word; transgressed?”

“Absolutely.”

“And if I understand you position, it is that this transgression occoured a very long time ago. And in fact you have not killed or dismembered anyone sinse 1888. And that therefore the school should accept that this was an isolated incedent and that it shouldn’t be held against you or bar you from working as a teacher?”

“A bit long winded, but yes; got it in one."

“On a wider issue Jack, the term ‘psychopath’ is banded about very loosely these days, and we must be careful not to cause offence to members of the psychopathic community. But would you agree that in your case the term ‘psychopath’ is – sorry, would have been appropiate?”

“Absolutely Jim. Psychopath yes, paedophile no. It’s not as if I was looking at dirty pictures or anything. We didn’t even have the internet back in 1888.”

“So you believe that the education secretary in your case was correct in allowing you, a self confessed psychopath; to work in schools?”

“Absolutely.”

"One final question Jack. What is your position on letting paedophiles back into the classroom?”

“Never Jim, those people disgust me. They shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near vulnerable kids. I’ll tell you what I would do. I would slice there –“

“Jack the Ripper, thank you very much. And coming up next, 'Thought for the day'. Today’s speaker is Gary Glitter.”

Small Children

2008-04-16T14:02:00.000-07:00

A recent survay has discovered that these are the top ten questions asked by small children - while your on the phone.

1. Will you play with me?
2. Who is God?
3. Can God see everything?
4. What does "sex" mean?
5. Why Konnie Huq?
6. Where do babies come from?
7. Am I adopted?
8. Are you sure you won't play with me?
9. Why did Grandma have to die?
10.Where did Grandma go after she died?

For any parents out there, I thought it would only be fair to provide some answers. While not approved by any parenting experts you will find they are effective.

1. Will you play with me?
No, get your DS thingy out

2. Who is God?
Me

3. Can God see everything?
I thought not, but the other evening I drove at 35 in a 30mph zone and he said to me "Oi, I'm watching you"

4. What does "sex" mean?
Your going to bed early

5. Why Konnie Huq?
Because I wouldn't kick her out of bed for farting

6. Where do babies come from?
Marks and Spencers, though you have to rummage for a good one

7. Am I adopted?
I wish

8. Are you sure you won't play with me?
Do you want me to throw that DS thingy in the bin?

9. Why did Grandma have to die?
The silly old cow kept asking me stupid questions while I was on the phone

10.Where did Grandma go after she died?
Under the patio, but that's our little secret, OK?

She wasn't old, and she sure as hell didn't live in a shoe

2008-04-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

It’s not surprising that teenage pregnancy is reported to be on the increase year after year. After all the government does insist on giving every benefit going to underage single mothers.

In many parts having a child out of wedlock is considered shameful, not here; in this country it’s a career option.

The fact of the matter is, when so many benefits such as free homes, bills paid by the state and free money are on offer, why other going to work?

I’m sure most people will be familiar with the nursery rhyme “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe”. It went something like this…..

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

It was in fact based on a real woman, she was used as a warning to young girls of the dangers of alcohol and promiscuity; not as a role model.

Pop Vs Page

2008-04-13T12:28:00.001-07:00

Sales of singles have fallen by a staggering forty two percent in just one year, many experts claim that this is due to kids preferring to download their music for free; rather than pay over inflated prices in the shops.

That’s all good and well, but it’s also been noticed that BBC’s flagship radio one also has listeners in free fall.

Is it just possible that theres a connection? No ones buying modern music, and no one can be bothered to listen to it either. Could it just possibly be because modern music is rubbish?

Just before I stated to write this I had the radio on, some annoying DJ with a silly name playing even more annoying so called music. One of the song’s sounded a bit like someone patting their hands on top of a wheelie bin. The only people who would even dream of buying this cods wallop are the bands friends and family. But that should be enough, thirty years ago you needed to sell half a million copies to hit the top spot on the charts; now some weeks a mere twenty thousand will do the trick.

As tunes go, it’s up there with the “beep beep beep ” of a lorry reversing. It could be hip-hop, or it might be techno, though I sometimes get techno muddled up with jungle, and rap. What I really don’t get is the difference between garage and house, is it something to do with where it was written?

It’s all very confusing and completely unnecessary because there’s one word which encompasses the lot.

Crap

It’s a good job they didn’t have classification like this for The Who’s Boris The Spider. Or it would be known as Toilet.

John Entwistle wrote it while he was on the shitter.

I have now switched off Radio One and am listening to Led Zep II. man, it’s good.

Jimmy Page of Led Zepplin
After 40 years he still rocks

Lost has been found

2008-04-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

"Lost" has been one of the biggest shows in the world over the last few years. I have to admit that I came late to the show, picking up repeats here and there rather than catching it as it happened.

Dispute my best efforts to catch up I still missed episodes, for whatever reason I wouldn’t be in front of my TV and forgot to set the video. For those that have watched the show, you will know that this is far from the way to enjoy such shows.

So recently I decided I had to purchase the DVD’s and head back to the start. My girlfriend who had never seen it (and knowing my TV taste’s) reluctantly agreed to at least watch a couple of episodes with me.

If she didn’t like it, I could watch the rest of the DVD’s when she wasn’t there. A month later, she demands I get out there and buy the next season.

I think it’s a hit.

Rather than do a separate post for this I opted to just throw in a footnote to last weeks review of Doctor Who.

This week.
The story was better
The villain was better
The Doctor was better
The Tate woman……Still crap

Season four begins..... (Spolier free)

2008-04-05T14:34:00.000-07:00

This week saw the return of two highly anticipated shows, Battlestar Galactica and Doctor Who respectively.

So was it worth the wait, read on gentle reader and find out......

Battlestar Galactica

Season 4 Episode 1 (He That Believeth In Me)

Given the high drama of the season three finally and a year long wait, this episode had a lot to live up to; and live up to expectations it did indeed.

All the elements that have made the show so interesting over the last few years were in place.

The suspicion, the drama, the relationships and some action to boot.

There were still many question that went unanswered, and even more new ones posed. However the show played to its strengths and provided us with forty minutes of magic.

The fallout from season three is played out with class and skill, and I expect will continue to do so throughout the season.

The action almost all takes place towards the start of the episode, and while how the battle ends may not be the most satisfying, it’s clearly laying down plot bunnies for the rest of the shows life span.

The cult of Baltar is an interesting idea, with obvious overtones of Charles Manson you can’t help but wonder where the producers and writers will go with this.

Thrace’s return for me wasn’t dealt with quite enough suspicion, and that for me is the only real bug to bear about this episode.

I won’t go into detail about the episode, or the cliffhanger in case you haven’t seen it yet.

But overall it was a fine return, while I feel it could have been slightly better. This was no filler episode. Dispite one or two minor issues it pushed things along nicely and ushered in season four – leaving you just wanting more.

Doctor Who

Season 4 Episode 1 (Partners in crime)

As before I won’t detail the plot for those who haven’t seen it yet.

What has become of Saturday night TV without Doctor Who on our screens?

Well to put it bluntly, it’s all been a bit crap. But now we can rejoice as our hero has returned to liven up out screens.

Well erm, no actually we can’t.

By just about any standard this was poor, just as an example I’ll list a couple of thing that were wrong with this.

The idea
The script
The acting
The direction
In a nutshell it was all wrong.

I like Doctor Who, I really do. But that’s because it’s usually far better than this pile of crap.

What were they thinking?

I know the idea was to reintroduce Donna from the Christmas special a couple of years ago, but whatever they planned; they failed.

Sarah Lancashire was one of the least convincing villains of the shoes history.
Catherine Tate proved she can’t act.
David Tenant knew it was rubbish, he just looked embarrised by the whole affair.

I had high hope for the new series, but this episode is a complete letdown.

In future they will have to do much much better.

Thank you and goodnight

2008-04-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

Comedian Ben Elton is right. The BBC is scared of Muslims. Or at least the white middle-class crossed-eyed lunatics who claim to speak for Muslims. According to Ben, script editors are even frightened to use innocent phrases such as "Let the mountain come to Mohammed," just in case the provisional wing of Al-Qaeda declares a fatwa.

But it's not just the BBC, the longer I live here the more I discover that life in Britain is subject to a Muslim veto.

For instance, plenty of parents have complained about schoolbooks aimed at five-year-olds which promote homosexuality, such as King & King, a fairytale about a prince who turns down three princesses before marrying one of their brothers. These parents were smeared as "homophobes" and the books distributed widely regardless.

But now, Muslim parents in Bristol have complained and the books have been removed from the shelves. That's different, it's their culture, innit?

Elsewhere, though, care homes for the elderly have been told that they shouldn't employ christians who disapprove of homosexuality. Their religious convictions count for fuck all. Neither do the beliefs of christians who work in adoption agencies and object to placing children with gay couples.

Meanwhile, in London, a Muslim woman who refuses to take off her headscarf is suing a salon owner who turned her down for a job as a hairdresser - on the quite reasonable grounds that customers expect to see their stylist's hair.

Bushra Noah is claiming discrimination and wants £34,000 damages. "My religion is non-negotiable," she insists. In that case sweetheart go and find yourself a job where you can wear a headscarf.

Time and again, there seems to be one rule for muslims and one for everyone else. The islamic faith is "non-negotiable" but christians can go to hell.

I’m no christian, nor do I have anything against either religion.

But when your religion decides weather or not you are listened to by your government in a democratic socity. Then there’s something seriously wrong.

And this is just nuts.

2008-04-03T18:02:00.000-07:00

Did you know its illegal to sell a grey squirrel?

No?

Didn’t think so, but this is just one of the many insane laws that have been passed in the last five years. At some point someone decided that this warranted enough attention to not only be considered; but to be passed as law.
Now it is possible that I’m wrong here, but isn’t there a war on somewhere out there? Isn’t there something slightly more important that politicians should be worrying about? Of course I could be wrong about that, Iraq could just possibly be over and no one bothered to tell me.

How did this ever get through? Last time I checked it took more than one person to decide what constitutes law of the land. Not just anybody or just one person can just makes changes on a whim.
Several senior people in the government must have had this passed before their eyes before it found its way onto the statuary books. Not only has the government clearly taken the time to promote this to top priority but they’ve spent our tax money doing it in the process.

Now, I have to be honest here. I wasn’t aware that there was a market for grey squirrels. Can you buy them on Ebay?
I’m sure now though, that this trade will be forced underground.

“Pssst, wanna buy some gear? I got weed, ecstasy, coke and squirrel.”

I’ve had people coming to my front door for years trying to sell me all sorts, Avon, Tupperware, double glazing, stone cladding, lucky heather.
But none of them have ever tried to sell me a squirrel, not even the builders who were working in the area; had a little too much tarmac and wondered if I’d like it put down on my driveway.

I’ve seen humane squirrel catchers, they claim to drive the rodents they catch out to the countryside and release them back into the wild. Personally I always thought that once round the corner, it would be a short, sharp blow and a dumping into the bin.
Clearly I was wrong, the squirrel catchers are straight down to the local butchers to sell their haul. Mr meat then does an under the counter job for anyone passing who fancies a change from a bit of steak.

“Yes madame, and what can I do for you today? Bit of squirrel then love? No problem, leg or breast?”

This is just one of the many insane laws that have been passed in recent years, I’ll mention some more at some point in the future.

But for now you may sleep safely in your bed tonight knowing that the war on squirrles has begun, tomorrow the world will be a safer place.

Unless of course that is that the squirrels fight back, they may not stand for it you know?
In fact they may just go nuts.

A new era begins....

2008-04-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

Well maybe not a new era as such, but at least a new blog.

I've been thinking about doing this since blog's became a thing of the past over at TCA.
And now it's time for me to stop thinking and start writing.

What your find here will range from my thoughts on life, the insanities i see around me in the daily world (hence the blogs title) to reviews and general musings and nothingness.

I bid you welcome.........