Bankers - Is it spelt with a W?

FIRST thing’s first, as you may have noticed gentle reader I am not one to shy away from the big stories.

It’s time for some Credit Crunch stuff, and what a surprise, the banks have screwed something up! Who’d have thought it, eh?

While this is about the country I live in, is yours really any different?

The people who make sure your cashpoint card doesn’t work when you’re abroad, who write you a £20 letter about your £10 overdraft, have cocked it all up.

No one knows how or why or when — least of all them — but somehow they’ve lost more money than anyone has lost before.

Thing is, when you take a step back and think about it, you realise just whose money it is.

Yes. IT’S OUR MONEY! They lost our money.

Whose money?

OUR MONEY!

So what do they do about it? Long before they apologise, long before they put their own money on a horse and hope it comes in (which is what anyone normal would do, let’s face it) they go to Norman Brown, cap in hand and ask him to help them out.

They say: “We’ve lost a load of money, we don’t know where the money is, help us, please!” (Whose money? OUR MONEY!) And then Gordon Brown says: “Aye, laddies, I’ll help ya oot, here’s a cheque for 70 ballion poonds, that should cover it.” That’s nice and dandy of him, but whose money is he giving them? That’s right, OUR MONEY! So he’s given them OUR MONEY to replace OUR MONEY that they’ve lost.

But the trouble is, he’s not got enough money because it’s been spent on Health and Safety and second houses for his fellow politicians, and so he’s had to borrow some more money.

So he goes to another bank and borrows a load more money, and whose money is it that he borrows? — OUR MONEY!

So he’s borrowing OUR MONEY to replace OUR MONEY, that he’s already spent, to replace OUR MONEY that the banks lost.

And how’s he going to pay off that loan? By raising taxes — which come out of OUR MONEY!

So he’s going to insist we cough up more of OUR MONEY to repay the loan of OUR MONEY needed to replace OUR MONEY the banks need to replace OUR MONEY that they lost. In other words, we pay four times over.

Thanks for that.

But here’s the part that really gets my goat.

I don’t have a goat, but feel like I should buy one just so it can get got.

The banks’ one job is to look after our money — that’s it, it’s not like they’ve got anything else to do, is it? That’s what they do, look after money.

Stick it in a safe, sit a bloke next to the safe, fill up the cashpoint machine as and when. It can’t be hard, can it?

If I can figure it out, why does a bloke who gets a million Pound bonus at Christmas not realise any of this?

Banks look after money, full stop. A bank that doesn’t have any money in it is just a building, the same way a pint without any black stuff in it is just a glass.

What’s worse is we don’t hear the bloody end of it, it’s all over the telly and papers. Ironically it’s the financial experts who are raking it in.

It’s lucky the media doesn’t charge us a tenner every time they tell us the country’s gone overdrawn like the banks do, otherwise we’d have even less money.

I might start it. You’ve got no money mate, there you go, I’ve just provided you with a service.

Please send cheques payable to SharpSpike, c/o Waste your money Inc.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Norman Brown

Gordon Brown has become the first European leader granted an audience with President Barack Obama.

With excitement mounting, we tune in once again to Eyewitness News, Palm Beach, for a special review of this historic meeting.

Good morning, America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, back with another three hours of news you can use. Our top story this hour is the arrival of the President of Englandland in our nation's capital. Joining me now live from London is our special correspondent, Brit Limey.

Good morning, Chad. I'm standing outside Buckingham Palace, the world-famous home of soccer star David Buckingham and his wife, Queen Victoria.

Great to see, you, Brit. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought President Tony Blair had already met with President Obama at the National Prayer Breakfast a coupla weeks back.

That's affirmative, Chad. But President Blair isn't President of Englandland any more.

He's not? Then what was he doing in Washington?

Beats me, Chad. Perhaps it was something to do with his new role bringing peace to the Mid East.

How's that going?

Pretty good, Chad, if you don't count the war between Hamas and Israel, Hezbollah firing rockets at civilians and the crazies in Iran going nuclear.

So who's the new guy?

He's called President Norman Brown. This isn't his first visit, Chad, he met with President George W. Bush last year.

I must've been watching baseball that day. Funny, I don't remember seeing any coverage of an election in Englandland.

There wasn't any, Chad.

No coverage?

No election, Chad.

How did this Norman Brown get to be President, then?

Some kind of a coup, I guess. There certainly seem to be more armed policemen around these days, and there are surveillance cameras everywhere.

Jeez-o, sounds like a Commie dictatorship.

Feels like it some days, too, Chad.

So why is Norman Brown in Washington today?

He's come to tell President Obama to join his crusade to save the world. He thinks he's Superman and has all the answers to the economic crisis.

Englandland has to be doing real good if this guy thinks he can fix the credit crunch.

Not so, Chad. The IMF says Englandland is worst placed of all developed economies to cope. The currency has collapsed, unemployment is headed towards three million and the country is saddled with £2 trillion of debt, which it will take generations to pay off.

So who's responsible for that?

Norman Brown

Brown's the guy who got Englandland into this mess in the first place?

Affirmative, Chad. When he was Treasury Secretary he encouraged the banks to go on a reckless lending spree which has bankrupted the country, he let public spending rip right out of control, and destroyed Englandland's private pension system, which was once the envy of the world.

Does he admit he screwed up?

Far from it, Chad. He blames America.

He does what?

Blames America, Chad, for selling sub-prime mortgages, which were then bought by banks in Englandland and turned out not to be worth the paper they were printed on.

No one forced these banks to buy them.

No one stopped them, either, Chad. Ten years ago, Englandland tore up the rules designed to stop banks getting into trouble.

Who was the genius behind that cockamayme scheme?

Norman Brown.

So let me get this straight. This Norman Brown guy wrecks Englandland then flies to Washington to tell us that he's saved the world. And he blames America for his own incompetence?

America and a guy called Sir Fred Goodwin.

Who's he?

Ran the Royal Bank of Scotlandland into the ground.

And they made him a 'sir'? Whose idea was that?

Norman Brown. Now he wants Goodwin to lose his pension.

Can he do that?

No, but seeing as Brown's stolen everyone else's pension in Englandland, it won't stop him trying.

So what's happened in Washington then?

There was a formal meeting at the White House, followed by lunch.

Better tell President Obama to count the spoons.

Consumer revenge

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh -and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
=0 A

Madonna

When Madonna first moved to the UK, she said she wanted to feel more English. She is now, an unmarried mother with three kids, all from different fathers, and one is black.

Job done.

Canada's biggest export

I have to admit, that when I first bought tickets for Bryan Adams I wasn't too fussed.
In my eyes he was an 80's rocker who was well past his sell by date.

More than anything I had purchased the tickets for my better half who had wanted to see the man preform live, for me as long as he played the Reckless album I'd be happy.

But thats an old album so I wasn't expecting much.

It would be wrong of me before I go on not to mention support band Black Daniel, they were rubbish; don't even bother, I won't.

At bang on 20:30 The lights dropped and the man himself took to a small 6x6 stage in the center of the standing area. Kicking off with just him and an acoustic guitar he launched into "Can't stop this thing we started."

Another song with just the man and his guitar followed by just two words, "Hit it" and the band arrived onstage.

Singing a song I must admit I didn't know the singer/songwriter made his way to the stage as he shock hands and hugged fans en route.

From there on in it was mainly a greatest hits feast, though a couple of new songs did sneak their way into the main set.

Unusually hits like "Summer of 69," "Run to you" and "Everything I do" were part of the main set.
The songs that many people including myself came to hear were put upfront, rather than save a massive hit for an encore he played them straight up. This kind of attitude means you only get an encore if you deserve one.

Surprisingly Bryan made a big deal of his band, a quick search on google tell me he has been using the same musicians for oner 25 years now; and the chemistry really does show during the set. Rather than a solo artist with a backing band it seemed more like a band with the singer as a front-man than anything else.

Indeed guitarist Keith Scott was allowed a blinding extended solo during "It's only love" that far exceeds what was played on the origanl studio version.

Without a doubt Adams knows how to work a crowd, although he had microphones dotted around the stage allowing him to sing in different positions he still moved them closer to the audience here and there. And if he hadn't stood in front of one section of the audience he would just move there. For anyone looking for tips on stage craft Adams serves a great example.

For "When your gone" the singer pulled up a member of the crowd to sing the female lead, ok so she couldn't sing to save her life but you really didn't care; the overall performance still worked.



When the band left the stage you couldn't help but wonder what would be left for the encore, he played his biggest hits in the main set. As I already said, he wasn't getting an encore unless he deserved one; and yes he did deserve one.

Returning to the stage he played "Cloud number nine" followed by a stomping version of "Kids wanna rock."
After that the band left the stage as Bryan Adams was left once again with just him and an acoustic guitar, again he played a newer song I wasn't familiar with before finishing with "Straight from the heart."

And after two hours and twenty minutes he left the stage for the last time.

I said at the top of this I wasn't expecting much from the show. Having attended I can only say this.

WOW, quite simply it's one of the best concerts I've ever been too.

Maybe your a fan, maybe your not. Maybe your a casual fan like myself who just know his hits. Whatever you are if you enjoy live music I cannot stress enough that you should see Canada's biggest export live.

Stormtroopers raid Teddy Bears' picnic

If you go down to the woods today, forget about disguise - you'd better wear a hard hat and a hi-viz jacket.

Dingly Dell has fallen to the health and safety nazis.

For the past 12 years, retired builder Mike Kamp has been collecting firewood from the forest near his home at Betws-y-Coed, North Wales.

It's a right enshrined in the Magna Carta of 1215, the template for democracies around the world. Free men down the centuries have been granted the liberty to gather dead wood from common land to fuel their stoves, repair their homes and make charcoal.


That was before the Forestry Commission came along and started demanding that anyone wanting to collect wood would need a licence to forage.

Now it has imposed an outright ban, stating: 'This is an area where we are subject to increasing constraints in terms of health and safety. We have a duty of care to people in our wood.'


Note the use of the possessive our wood. It isn't their wood. It's common land and it belongs to everyone.

As Mr Kamp said: 'They are claiming there are health and safety issues. But people have walked through the woods collecting firewood for hundreds of years without too many safety problems.'

Precisely. I doubt there is one recorded incident of a firewood-related fatality in North Wales.

This, as usual, is about bureaucrats justifying their own sad existence and protecting their backs in the event of someone turning their ankle in a rabbit hole, ringing Blame Direct, and suing for compensation.

It's the same warped thinking which led to plans for an open-air ice rink in Bath this Christmas being abandoned because council officials feared it could be a magnet for paedophiles.

How sick do you have to be to reach that conclusion?

And a school in Colchester has banned children from bringing in broomsticks for Halloween in case they get hurt. In fairness, they were only following official advice on the NHS website:

'Be careful with witches' brooms made from sticks. If the sticks get dislodged, they are a choking hazard. These brooms should be labelled For Adult Use Only.'

You couldn't make it up. Where is it all going to end? We take you over now to a briefing at the multi-million pound headquarters of the government's Firewood Prevention, Health and Safety and Child Protection Joint Task Force.......




'Listen up, team. We've had a tip-off that a number of teddy bears are going down to the woods today and we want to maintain the element of surprise. So you'd better go in disguise.'

'For every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain because today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

'Every teddy bear who's been good is sure of a treat today. There's lots of marvellous things to eat and wonderful games to play.

'But they don't have a catering licence or a safety certificate. If anything goes wrong we could have carnage on our hands. Food poisoning, sprained ankles, it doesn't bear thinking about, if you'll pardon the pun.'

'I want the tactical support unit beneath the trees where nobody sees. They'll hide and seek as long as they please, 'cause that's the way the teddy bears have their picnic.

'And I don't want any heroics, either. If you go down to the woods today, you better not go alone. It's lovely down in the woods today, but safer to stay at home.'

'What do you want us to do, guv?' 'Watch them, catch them unawares.
See them gaily gad about, they love to play and shout, they never have any care.

'At six o'clock their mummies and daddies will take them home to bed, because they're tired little teddy bears. That's when we move in.'

'Why wait until six o'clock, guv?'

'We suspect a major paedophile ring is operating in the area.
After all, we've only got their word for it that they are mummies and daddies. Remember little Maddie?
'I want names and addresses and don't forget to read them their rights. They won't be getting off on a technicality.

'Social services are providing armed back-up, the helicopter is on standby and I'm bringing in the firewood squad. We believe that some of the contraband wood is being used to make offensive weapons - ie: witches' brooms.

'So let's do it to them, before they do it to themselves. And, hey, hey, hey. Let's be careful out there.'

Its not the sat-nav

I was going to post a follow up to my last blog, but I seem to have misplaced it. So if you were waiting sorry but hey; thats life.

These days, we read every week about someone who has driven into something enormous and then blamed their sat-nav system.

Just the other day, a party of actors drove merrily into a swollen river and, after they’d been rescued from the stranded van by the fire brigade, said it was all the sat-nav’s fault.

Right. I see. So if you were driving towards a cliff and the lady in the dashboard said “straight on”, you’d do it, would you?

Then we heard about a woman — I shall spare your blushes, Paula, by keeping you anonymous — who has vowed never to use satellite navigation again after her system ordered her into the path of a speeding train.

I particularly enjoyed reading last Tuesday about a Syrian lorry driver who’d ended up beached on a small road in Skegness — while trying to get from Turkey to Gibraltar.

Needless to say, he claimed his sat-nav had gone mad but it had done no such thing. He’d simply given it the wrong destination.

We’re not talking about Mr Intelligence here. Because he’d presumably come to Britain on a cross-Channel ferry and at no point did his tiny little brain think: “Hang on a minute . . . ”

Of course, I’m not going to try to argue that all sat-nav systems are foolproof.

Indeed, the system used by BMW is hysterically terrible. It has never heard of the A40, the A1 or even Buckinham Palace Road, which has been around for over 100 years.

Then you have Mercedes, whose sat-nav-based traffic system is a work of fiction to rival Harry Potter. If it says the road ahead is blocked, you can absolutely guarantee it isn’t.

The best I’ve ever come across, weirdly, is the cheap handheld Navman. It knows about the A40, for instance, and it’s so easy to understand, even a Syrian lorry driver could manage.

However even this one does not know, as it steers you over a level crossing, whether a train is coming. That’s why your car is fitted with a steering wheel, brakes and space for someone who by law, must have functioning eyes.

I know, of course, that in this day and age, cars are blamed for everything: Cancer, the downfall of the economy and the demise of the polar bear.

But when it comes to sat-nav, we have to stop blaming the car and start, instead, mass executions of the stupid.