Consumer revenge

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh -and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
=0 A

Sexual Outercourse

Ever wondered what they teach in schools now days?

I’m not going to look at the whole curriculum but here’s a couple of examples.

In Cornwall, swearing lessons are now part of the syllabus. Pupils ages 11 to 16 at the Callington Community Collage were encouraged to write down as many swear words as they can think of as part of their “Personal, Social and Health Education” module; whatever the hell that is.

When I was at school we had reading, writing and arithmetic. Not Personal, Social and Health Education. And a module was Samantha Fox.

Now they have courses covering sex, drugs, smoking and relationships. This is back of the bike sheds stuff. Since when has the average 15 year old needed tutoring in sex, drugs and smoking?

We managed quite well without any help from Mr Chips thank you very much.

I was better at sex, drugs and smoking than I was at geography. By the time I was 15 I could have passed A-level smoking standing on my head.
I was knocking out Haliborange tablets, 8 for 2 punts (Irish pounds) to gullible classmates convinced they were pep pills. I got richer and they got healthier.

By the 5th year we had the condom concession sewn up, courtesy of one of the lads who had a Saturday job sweeping up at a barbers shop.
Now they more than likely hand out rubber johnnies like we got school milk.

Is any of this really necessary? Especially in an age when a significant number of pupils leave school functionally illiterate and innumerate?

I’ve got a couple of old mates from my school days. One of them was called Spot, on the account of his moonscape acne. The other still answers to the name of Torch, even though his flame red hair fell out when his was around 25.

We were reflecting over a couple of pints of the black stuff on weather kids are allowed nicknames any more. Surely calling someone Spot would be seen as an unfair attack on the dermatologically challenged and would lead to the inevitable letter from Claims Direct.

Giving someone a moniker on account of their physical characteristics would probably be considered a form of racism today.

So what’s behind these swearing lessons?

“The object is to get pupils to look at their language and see if they know what their saying. A lot of swear words are homophobic, racist and offensive to women.” Said teacher Paul Gibson.

Ah ha that explains it.

Of course we should discourage children from gratuitous abuse. But an obsession with homophobia, racism and sexism has been elevated to a religion in many schools to the point where actually teaching pupils to read and write comes a distant second.

So now they get lessons in subject which would have got them expelled a few years ago.

In Devon it seems schoolchildren were being given lessons in mutual masturbation. I don’t know about you, but that’s something most of us will have worked out for themselves. Practical instruction used to take place at playtime behind the bike sheds. They’ve even got a fancy new name for it - Sexual Outercourse.

I wonder how long it will be before that expression enters the language?

“The referee‘s an outer courser.”

Thousands of kids are leaving school without being able to read or write properly. Yet someone thought it worthwhile taking time out of the school curriculum to deliver tuition in hand relief to 14 and 15 year old boys and girls.

“Now pay attention children, here’s something I tossed off earlier.”

At least it won’t be difficult getting them to do their homework.
“Tracey, what do you think your doing?”
“I‘m just helping Wayne with his revision mum.”

It’s the only subject where you get a prize for coming last. I wonder what my old English teacher, Spud Taylor would have made of it all.

We would have been able to call him Spud for a start, tuberist.

But I am trying to imagine his reaction if I had put my hand up in class.


“Yes, what is it now?”
“Excuse me sir, I was just wondering.”
“Come on boy, spit it out, we haven‘t got all day.”
“Well sir, it‘s, um…”
“Get on with it boy.”
“Er, pardon me sir, but how many ‘l’s are there in bollocks? ”

UFO mystery solved

My favourite news story from the past few weeks comes from the Telegraph newspaper.

As unlikely as it seems, it would appear that the South Wales police have solved the mystery of UFO’s.

A local made a 999 call to South Wales police after monitoring a “Bright, stationary” object loitering in the sky for at least half an hour.

What follows is the trascript, It was too good not to repost……..




Control: “South Wales Police, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “It’s not really. I just need to inform you that across the mountain there’s a bright stationary object.”

Control: “Right.”

Caller: “If you’ve got a couple of minutes perhaps you could find out what it is? It’s been there at least half an hour and it’s still there.”

Control: “It’s been there for half an hour. Right. Is it actually on the mountain or in the sky?”

Caller: “It’s in the air.”

Control: “I will send someone up there now to check it out.”

Caller: “OK.”

After the police patrol car arrives, the script reveals the exchange between the control room and the police officer sent to the scene.

Control: “Alpha Zulu 20, this object in the sky, did anyone have a look at it?”

Officer: “Yes, it’s the moon. Over.”

Brushing up

In the Sunday papers this week it was revealed that a "Smile With The Prophet" initiative being run by the NHS in Bradford.

According to the local primary care trust, and I quote 'Using a specially developed syllabus, mosque leaders and teachers help to spread the word about oral health, encouraging youngsters to brush their teeth daily through the teachings of the Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) and Islam.'

Is there an equal programme tailored to the individual oral hygiene challenges faced by Anglicans, Catholics, Hindus, Sikhs or Seventh Day Adventists?

Admittedly, it's a long time since I was thrown out of Sunday school for smoking behind the church hall. But I don't remember the vicar ever dispensing advice on gum disease in his sermons.

There was plenty about the wailing and gnashing of teeth but, to the best of my knowledge, nothing on flossing.

Still, anything which keeps children out of the dentist's chair has to be welcome, though I can't see how the oral hygiene needs of Muslim children are any different from those of any other faith.

Mind you, it can't be easy brushing your teeth in a burqa.

The greater good?

The man stabbed to death outside McDonald's in London's Oxford Street was on bail awaiting trial for gang rape.

Steven Bigby was one of ten men accused of raping a girl and pouring caustic soda over her to destroy evidence.

He was also due to go on trial next month accused of wounding and violent disorder.

You might well ask what on earth he was doing out on bail in the first place.

Still, no great loss. Sounds like whoever killed him did us all a favour.

Global warming scam is still on

In all the acres of coverage of 'climate change', here's something you won't have read.

Last week, Dr Arthur Robinson, of the University of Oregon, announced to a packed Washington Press Conference that 31,000 scientists had signed an online petition challenging the conventional wisdom that man-made C02 emissions were causing 'global warming'.

He said he was aware that critics would claim this list was phoney, but said signatories had been carefully vetted and at least 9,000 had PhDs.

This went largely unreported on either side of the Atlantic. Any dissent from the great global warming scam, however valid, is dismissed as heresy.

Currently, an eight-day 'climate change' festival is taking place in of all places, Birmingham.

Having been to Birminham a few times I've had the chance to get to know a few locals quite well. If you asked them how the climate has changed in the last thirty years, they will more than likely tell you that they haven't noticed much change.

It as damp and as rain soaked as ever.

However if anything, the air's cleaner than ever since most of the heavy, metal-bashing industries closed down; and the fumes from the old Ansell's Brewery and HP Sauce factory no longer hang heavy in the wind.

Still, why let the facts ruin the party?
Let's hope it stays dry for them.

Goverment advice? Fat lot of good it is.

We are under constant attack.

Not from a provisional wing of some terrorist organisation, or the latest super bug. But from our own governments. The nanny state isn't happy unless they are interfering in our lives, and right now their latest kick seems to be our eating habits.

Almost every time you turn on the television you are assaulted by spokesmen or women telling us; we must eat our five portions of fruit or veg a day. If we do not then we shall become horribly unfit, and more than likely die tomorrow.

I won't go into detail on how I eat but here's a brief idea of what i had today.
A banana this morning, peas and carrots with a Sunday roast that was washed down with a glass of apple juice; and I snacked on some cherry tomatoes this evening.
There you go, I've hit my five a day.
I didn't plan it, nor did I need a load of taxpayers hard earned cash wasted on pointless adverts to tell me how to eat.

So why do I call this government advertising pointless? After all I may just have a particularly good diet. The reason I call it pointless is simple, despite our lords and masters forcing healthy eating down our throats (no pun intended) obesity in children and teenagers is on the rise.

So the question is, when millions are spent every year on advertising, teacher training on how to eat well and over inflated salary's of five a day co-ordinators; why are we suffering from a fat epidemic?

Well i think the answer is simple, exercise.

It's all very well eating a healthy diet, but quite simply if you don't get off your backside once in a while it won't keep you healthy.

Competitive sports have been all but banned, because there has to be a loser.
Adventure playgrounds have been torn down, because of health and safety.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

Many of the activities that I took part in during my childhood, just aren't done by the current young generation.
There is no where for them to go, nothing to do.
And so they sit at home, watching TV, playing video games and messing around on the internet.
What they don't do is discover the world outside and burn off a few calories.

But all of this has a knock on effect too, apparently the current young generation is the most miserable and depressed ever. The modern lifestyle has a negative impact on the mental health of someone who should be developing into their prime.

Growing up me and my friends has video games, ok so they lacked the sophistication of what's on the market today. But it was what we had, and we enjoyed them. But given the choice we would be outside with our friends and a football.

We ran, we jumped, we climbed trees; sometimes we would also fall out; but that just made us tougher and more determined to succeed the next time we tried. In short, we get out.

We weren't driven to school, we walked.

Playing out not only gave us the exorcise we needed, but it had a stunning side effect. We made friend, with real people our own age. As a result when in face to face situations my generation has far better social skills than that of the younger one.
We were not only fitter, but happier as well; and we still are.

So if your a kid reading this, and wondering why the five a day diet isn't working for you.
Here's a hint.

Get off your fat backside, get outside with a ball and head to the local park. Your soon find a few people will come up and ask if they can have a kick around with you.

Not only will you be doing you body some good, but you may discover there's more to the world than playing play station and downloading porn.

Madeleine McCann

IS it just me or are the McCanns getting on your nerves too?

I have enormous sympathy for them losing a child but I am getting fed up of them blaming everyone else for their misfortune.

I heard about the McCanns’ latest trip around Europe while on holiday and although I think the amber alert system is a good idea, if I ever need tips on childcare from the McCanns I’ll ask.

Now, in a new TV documentary, Kate says that she wanted a baby monitor but the resort didn’t have one. So instead she, Gerry and the Tapas Seven made the bizarre decision to eat out every night and leave three young children home alone.

I’m sorry, in any language that’s child neglect. So instead of touring Europe proposing amber alert systems, I would like them to clearly just send out one message to all parents:

"NEVER EVER MAKE OUR MISTAKE AND LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE IN A STRANGE HOTEL ROOM."

And, by the way, I’m not being heartless, just honest.

I am also fed up to the back teeth of the smears and counter smears from both camps, so why don’t the McCanns and the Tapas Seven just shut up, get on the plane, return to Portugal and do the police reconstruction?

At the same time, why don’t the Portuguese plods stop spinning and start analysing; either charge them formally or remove their official suspect status?

It’s nearly a year since little Madeleine went missing and the focus needs to return to her, not the other characters in this sorry saga.

Good Morning, Mr Ripper

The BBC is determind not to be judgemental. In the last couple of weeks alone the Today programme on Radio 4 has given a platform to a man so he could explain why he shouldn’t have been hounded out of his school job – after his coviction for indecently assulting a fifteen year old girl came to light.

It followed it up this week by allowing a former primary school headmaster to tell us why he should be free to resume his career despite serving a three month sentence for downloading child pornography.

I couldn’t help but wonder where they would draw the line.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Good morning. You’re listening to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 with me, James Naughtie. All this fortnight we’re been looking at wheather sex offenders should be allowed to work as teachers. Today has learnt of another victim of the current witch hunt. Jack the Ripper has been suspended from his job as a biology teacher at the Osama Bin Laden Middle School, in Whitechapple, East London. Even though his appointment was approved by the education secretary, Ruth Kelly. It has been reviealed that Mr Ripper has been on the sex offenders register for the past 117 years after being linked to up to eighteen gruesome murders of young women in the East End. But Miss Kelly decided, on the recommendation of civil servents, that he no longer represented a threat. Mr Ripper joins me now in our studio. Good morning to you Mr Ripper.”

“Call me Jack Jim.”

“Very well, Jack. You were responsible for the savage killing of at least five women and suspected of murdering some thirteen more. Do you think that in itself should mark you out as someone unsuitable to teach in schools or not?”

“In my case Jim, I am suggesting it should not. I mean the girls were prostitues-”

“Let me interrunpt you there Jack. We don’t say ‘prostitues’ any more. We say ‘Sex workers.’”

“Sex workers, prostitues. Common whores, whatever. The point I’m making is that they were quite happy to sell their bodies.”

“But they had a right, did they not? To expect to conduct their busniess in saftey. Do you accept that in killing them and slicing them up your behaviour may be considered, in some quarters; as inappropriate?”

“No doubt there are some people who will say that Jim, But the point is, there was no evidence of a sexual relationship.”

“So you’re sayin that you should have never have been placed on the sex offenders register in the first place?”

“Took the words right out of my mouth.”

“Interesting, and forgive me for pressing you on this this. Can you see, and I’m not passing judgement here, how some murdering and dismembering at least five sex workers. Who were, after all, victims of society and only forced into pros – er, the sexual services sector. Which is, er, why the government this week introduced new laws designed-”

“Is there a question in there somewhere Jim?”

“I do the interrupting on this programme Jack.”

“Fair enough Jim”

“What I was going to say was, don’t you think that at the very least there was an element of misjudgement on your part?”

“I fully accept that there was an error of judgement on my part, yes. But you have to understandthat it was all a very long time ago. I was depressed, I’d been working too hard and was under a lot of stress. That was a very different Jack the Ripper back then to the Jack the Ripper speaking to you today.”

“I take you point that you were depressed at the time. But don’t you agree that you, if this isn’t too harsh a word; transgressed?”

“Absolutely.”

“And if I understand you position, it is that this transgression occoured a very long time ago. And in fact you have not killed or dismembered anyone sinse 1888. And that therefore the school should accept that this was an isolated incedent and that it shouldn’t be held against you or bar you from working as a teacher?”

“A bit long winded, but yes; got it in one."

“On a wider issue Jack, the term ‘psychopath’ is banded about very loosely these days, and we must be careful not to cause offence to members of the psychopathic community. But would you agree that in your case the term ‘psychopath’ is – sorry, would have been appropiate?”

“Absolutely Jim. Psychopath yes, paedophile no. It’s not as if I was looking at dirty pictures or anything. We didn’t even have the internet back in 1888.”

“So you believe that the education secretary in your case was correct in allowing you, a self confessed psychopath; to work in schools?”

“Absolutely.”

"One final question Jack. What is your position on letting paedophiles back into the classroom?”

“Never Jim, those people disgust me. They shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near vulnerable kids. I’ll tell you what I would do. I would slice there –“

“Jack the Ripper, thank you very much. And coming up next, 'Thought for the day'. Today’s speaker is Gary Glitter.”

Small Children

A recent survay has discovered that these are the top ten questions asked by small children - while your on the phone.

1. Will you play with me?
2. Who is God?
3. Can God see everything?
4. What does "sex" mean?
5. Why Konnie Huq?
6. Where do babies come from?
7. Am I adopted?
8. Are you sure you won't play with me?
9. Why did Grandma have to die?
10.Where did Grandma go after she died?

For any parents out there, I thought it would only be fair to provide some answers. While not approved by any parenting experts you will find they are effective.

1. Will you play with me?
No, get your DS thingy out

2. Who is God?
Me

3. Can God see everything?
I thought not, but the other evening I drove at 35 in a 30mph zone and he said to me "Oi, I'm watching you"

4. What does "sex" mean?
Your going to bed early

5. Why Konnie Huq?
Because I wouldn't kick her out of bed for farting

6. Where do babies come from?
Marks and Spencers, though you have to rummage for a good one

7. Am I adopted?
I wish

8. Are you sure you won't play with me?
Do you want me to throw that DS thingy in the bin?

9. Why did Grandma have to die?
The silly old cow kept asking me stupid questions while I was on the phone

10.Where did Grandma go after she died?
Under the patio, but that's our little secret, OK?

She wasn't old, and she sure as hell didn't live in a shoe

It’s not surprising that teenage pregnancy is reported to be on the increase year after year. After all the government does insist on giving every benefit going to underage single mothers.

In many parts having a child out of wedlock is considered shameful, not here; in this country it’s a career option.

The fact of the matter is, when so many benefits such as free homes, bills paid by the state and free money are on offer, why other going to work?

I’m sure most people will be familiar with the nursery rhyme “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe”. It went something like this…..

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

It was in fact based on a real woman, she was used as a warning to young girls of the dangers of alcohol and promiscuity; not as a role model.

A new era begins....

Well maybe not a new era as such, but at least a new blog.

I've been thinking about doing this since blog's became a thing of the past over at TCA.
And now it's time for me to stop thinking and start writing.

What your find here will range from my thoughts on life, the insanities i see around me in the daily world (hence the blogs title) to reviews and general musings and nothingness.

I bid you welcome.........