Sexual Outercourse

Ever wondered what they teach in schools now days?

I’m not going to look at the whole curriculum but here’s a couple of examples.

In Cornwall, swearing lessons are now part of the syllabus. Pupils ages 11 to 16 at the Callington Community Collage were encouraged to write down as many swear words as they can think of as part of their “Personal, Social and Health Education” module; whatever the hell that is.

When I was at school we had reading, writing and arithmetic. Not Personal, Social and Health Education. And a module was Samantha Fox.

Now they have courses covering sex, drugs, smoking and relationships. This is back of the bike sheds stuff. Since when has the average 15 year old needed tutoring in sex, drugs and smoking?

We managed quite well without any help from Mr Chips thank you very much.

I was better at sex, drugs and smoking than I was at geography. By the time I was 15 I could have passed A-level smoking standing on my head.
I was knocking out Haliborange tablets, 8 for 2 punts (Irish pounds) to gullible classmates convinced they were pep pills. I got richer and they got healthier.

By the 5th year we had the condom concession sewn up, courtesy of one of the lads who had a Saturday job sweeping up at a barbers shop.
Now they more than likely hand out rubber johnnies like we got school milk.

Is any of this really necessary? Especially in an age when a significant number of pupils leave school functionally illiterate and innumerate?

I’ve got a couple of old mates from my school days. One of them was called Spot, on the account of his moonscape acne. The other still answers to the name of Torch, even though his flame red hair fell out when his was around 25.

We were reflecting over a couple of pints of the black stuff on weather kids are allowed nicknames any more. Surely calling someone Spot would be seen as an unfair attack on the dermatologically challenged and would lead to the inevitable letter from Claims Direct.

Giving someone a moniker on account of their physical characteristics would probably be considered a form of racism today.

So what’s behind these swearing lessons?

“The object is to get pupils to look at their language and see if they know what their saying. A lot of swear words are homophobic, racist and offensive to women.” Said teacher Paul Gibson.

Ah ha that explains it.

Of course we should discourage children from gratuitous abuse. But an obsession with homophobia, racism and sexism has been elevated to a religion in many schools to the point where actually teaching pupils to read and write comes a distant second.

So now they get lessons in subject which would have got them expelled a few years ago.

In Devon it seems schoolchildren were being given lessons in mutual masturbation. I don’t know about you, but that’s something most of us will have worked out for themselves. Practical instruction used to take place at playtime behind the bike sheds. They’ve even got a fancy new name for it - Sexual Outercourse.

I wonder how long it will be before that expression enters the language?

“The referee‘s an outer courser.”

Thousands of kids are leaving school without being able to read or write properly. Yet someone thought it worthwhile taking time out of the school curriculum to deliver tuition in hand relief to 14 and 15 year old boys and girls.

“Now pay attention children, here’s something I tossed off earlier.”

At least it won’t be difficult getting them to do their homework.
“Tracey, what do you think your doing?”
“I‘m just helping Wayne with his revision mum.”

It’s the only subject where you get a prize for coming last. I wonder what my old English teacher, Spud Taylor would have made of it all.

We would have been able to call him Spud for a start, tuberist.

But I am trying to imagine his reaction if I had put my hand up in class.


“Yes, what is it now?”
“Excuse me sir, I was just wondering.”
“Come on boy, spit it out, we haven‘t got all day.”
“Well sir, it‘s, um…”
“Get on with it boy.”
“Er, pardon me sir, but how many ‘l’s are there in bollocks? ”