Bankers - Is it spelt with a W?

FIRST thing’s first, as you may have noticed gentle reader I am not one to shy away from the big stories.

It’s time for some Credit Crunch stuff, and what a surprise, the banks have screwed something up! Who’d have thought it, eh?

While this is about the country I live in, is yours really any different?

The people who make sure your cashpoint card doesn’t work when you’re abroad, who write you a £20 letter about your £10 overdraft, have cocked it all up.

No one knows how or why or when — least of all them — but somehow they’ve lost more money than anyone has lost before.

Thing is, when you take a step back and think about it, you realise just whose money it is.

Yes. IT’S OUR MONEY! They lost our money.

Whose money?

OUR MONEY!

So what do they do about it? Long before they apologise, long before they put their own money on a horse and hope it comes in (which is what anyone normal would do, let’s face it) they go to Norman Brown, cap in hand and ask him to help them out.

They say: “We’ve lost a load of money, we don’t know where the money is, help us, please!” (Whose money? OUR MONEY!) And then Gordon Brown says: “Aye, laddies, I’ll help ya oot, here’s a cheque for 70 ballion poonds, that should cover it.” That’s nice and dandy of him, but whose money is he giving them? That’s right, OUR MONEY! So he’s given them OUR MONEY to replace OUR MONEY that they’ve lost.

But the trouble is, he’s not got enough money because it’s been spent on Health and Safety and second houses for his fellow politicians, and so he’s had to borrow some more money.

So he goes to another bank and borrows a load more money, and whose money is it that he borrows? — OUR MONEY!

So he’s borrowing OUR MONEY to replace OUR MONEY, that he’s already spent, to replace OUR MONEY that the banks lost.

And how’s he going to pay off that loan? By raising taxes — which come out of OUR MONEY!

So he’s going to insist we cough up more of OUR MONEY to repay the loan of OUR MONEY needed to replace OUR MONEY the banks need to replace OUR MONEY that they lost. In other words, we pay four times over.

Thanks for that.

But here’s the part that really gets my goat.

I don’t have a goat, but feel like I should buy one just so it can get got.

The banks’ one job is to look after our money — that’s it, it’s not like they’ve got anything else to do, is it? That’s what they do, look after money.

Stick it in a safe, sit a bloke next to the safe, fill up the cashpoint machine as and when. It can’t be hard, can it?

If I can figure it out, why does a bloke who gets a million Pound bonus at Christmas not realise any of this?

Banks look after money, full stop. A bank that doesn’t have any money in it is just a building, the same way a pint without any black stuff in it is just a glass.

What’s worse is we don’t hear the bloody end of it, it’s all over the telly and papers. Ironically it’s the financial experts who are raking it in.

It’s lucky the media doesn’t charge us a tenner every time they tell us the country’s gone overdrawn like the banks do, otherwise we’d have even less money.

I might start it. You’ve got no money mate, there you go, I’ve just provided you with a service.

Please send cheques payable to SharpSpike, c/o Waste your money Inc.

Here we go again.....

They never give up, do they? The Government is spending £6million on a campaign telling the middle-classes they drink too much.

Never mind that the real problem is under-age and binge drinkers, and girls who get so sozzled every Saturday night they end up lying in the gutter with their knickers round their ankles.

Some of us have long since suspected that having banned smoking, the purse-lipped puritans would turn their attentions to drinking next.

One advert has someone ordering a 'pint of three units'. A bottle of wine is relabelled 'a chilled bottle of ten units'.

'We're not saying don't drink,' said health minister Dawn Primarolo.

Well thats good of you sweetheart. She continues 'We're saying here's the information in a non-judgmental, directly identifiable environment.'

Give me strength. Just how stupid does Patronising Primarolo think we are?

"Large VAT, please. Better make it four units."

Goverment advice? Fat lot of good it is.

We are under constant attack.

Not from a provisional wing of some terrorist organisation, or the latest super bug. But from our own governments. The nanny state isn't happy unless they are interfering in our lives, and right now their latest kick seems to be our eating habits.

Almost every time you turn on the television you are assaulted by spokesmen or women telling us; we must eat our five portions of fruit or veg a day. If we do not then we shall become horribly unfit, and more than likely die tomorrow.

I won't go into detail on how I eat but here's a brief idea of what i had today.
A banana this morning, peas and carrots with a Sunday roast that was washed down with a glass of apple juice; and I snacked on some cherry tomatoes this evening.
There you go, I've hit my five a day.
I didn't plan it, nor did I need a load of taxpayers hard earned cash wasted on pointless adverts to tell me how to eat.

So why do I call this government advertising pointless? After all I may just have a particularly good diet. The reason I call it pointless is simple, despite our lords and masters forcing healthy eating down our throats (no pun intended) obesity in children and teenagers is on the rise.

So the question is, when millions are spent every year on advertising, teacher training on how to eat well and over inflated salary's of five a day co-ordinators; why are we suffering from a fat epidemic?

Well i think the answer is simple, exercise.

It's all very well eating a healthy diet, but quite simply if you don't get off your backside once in a while it won't keep you healthy.

Competitive sports have been all but banned, because there has to be a loser.
Adventure playgrounds have been torn down, because of health and safety.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

Many of the activities that I took part in during my childhood, just aren't done by the current young generation.
There is no where for them to go, nothing to do.
And so they sit at home, watching TV, playing video games and messing around on the internet.
What they don't do is discover the world outside and burn off a few calories.

But all of this has a knock on effect too, apparently the current young generation is the most miserable and depressed ever. The modern lifestyle has a negative impact on the mental health of someone who should be developing into their prime.

Growing up me and my friends has video games, ok so they lacked the sophistication of what's on the market today. But it was what we had, and we enjoyed them. But given the choice we would be outside with our friends and a football.

We ran, we jumped, we climbed trees; sometimes we would also fall out; but that just made us tougher and more determined to succeed the next time we tried. In short, we get out.

We weren't driven to school, we walked.

Playing out not only gave us the exorcise we needed, but it had a stunning side effect. We made friend, with real people our own age. As a result when in face to face situations my generation has far better social skills than that of the younger one.
We were not only fitter, but happier as well; and we still are.

So if your a kid reading this, and wondering why the five a day diet isn't working for you.
Here's a hint.

Get off your fat backside, get outside with a ball and head to the local park. Your soon find a few people will come up and ask if they can have a kick around with you.

Not only will you be doing you body some good, but you may discover there's more to the world than playing play station and downloading porn.

Thank you and goodnight

Comedian Ben Elton is right. The BBC is scared of Muslims. Or at least the white middle-class crossed-eyed lunatics who claim to speak for Muslims. According to Ben, script editors are even frightened to use innocent phrases such as "Let the mountain come to Mohammed," just in case the provisional wing of Al-Qaeda declares a fatwa.

But it's not just the BBC, the longer I live here the more I discover that life in Britain is subject to a Muslim veto.

For instance, plenty of parents have complained about schoolbooks aimed at five-year-olds which promote homosexuality, such as King & King, a fairytale about a prince who turns down three princesses before marrying one of their brothers. These parents were smeared as "homophobes" and the books distributed widely regardless.

But now, Muslim parents in Bristol have complained and the books have been removed from the shelves. That's different, it's their culture, innit?

Elsewhere, though, care homes for the elderly have been told that they shouldn't employ christians who disapprove of homosexuality. Their religious convictions count for fuck all. Neither do the beliefs of christians who work in adoption agencies and object to placing children with gay couples.

Meanwhile, in London, a Muslim woman who refuses to take off her headscarf is suing a salon owner who turned her down for a job as a hairdresser - on the quite reasonable grounds that customers expect to see their stylist's hair.

Bushra Noah is claiming discrimination and wants £34,000 damages. "My religion is non-negotiable," she insists. In that case sweetheart go and find yourself a job where you can wear a headscarf.

Time and again, there seems to be one rule for muslims and one for everyone else. The islamic faith is "non-negotiable" but christians can go to hell.

I’m no christian, nor do I have anything against either religion.

But when your religion decides weather or not you are listened to by your government in a democratic socity. Then there’s something seriously wrong.

And this is just nuts.

Did you know its illegal to sell a grey squirrel?

No?

Didn’t think so, but this is just one of the many insane laws that have been passed in the last five years. At some point someone decided that this warranted enough attention to not only be considered; but to be passed as law.
Now it is possible that I’m wrong here, but isn’t there a war on somewhere out there? Isn’t there something slightly more important that politicians should be worrying about? Of course I could be wrong about that, Iraq could just possibly be over and no one bothered to tell me.

How did this ever get through? Last time I checked it took more than one person to decide what constitutes law of the land. Not just anybody or just one person can just makes changes on a whim.
Several senior people in the government must have had this passed before their eyes before it found its way onto the statuary books. Not only has the government clearly taken the time to promote this to top priority but they’ve spent our tax money doing it in the process.

Now, I have to be honest here. I wasn’t aware that there was a market for grey squirrels. Can you buy them on Ebay?
I’m sure now though, that this trade will be forced underground.

“Pssst, wanna buy some gear? I got weed, ecstasy, coke and squirrel.”

I’ve had people coming to my front door for years trying to sell me all sorts, Avon, Tupperware, double glazing, stone cladding, lucky heather.
But none of them have ever tried to sell me a squirrel, not even the builders who were working in the area; had a little too much tarmac and wondered if I’d like it put down on my driveway.

I’ve seen humane squirrel catchers, they claim to drive the rodents they catch out to the countryside and release them back into the wild. Personally I always thought that once round the corner, it would be a short, sharp blow and a dumping into the bin.
Clearly I was wrong, the squirrel catchers are straight down to the local butchers to sell their haul. Mr meat then does an under the counter job for anyone passing who fancies a change from a bit of steak.

“Yes madame, and what can I do for you today? Bit of squirrel then love? No problem, leg or breast?”

This is just one of the many insane laws that have been passed in recent years, I’ll mention some more at some point in the future.

But for now you may sleep safely in your bed tonight knowing that the war on squirrles has begun, tomorrow the world will be a safer place.

Unless of course that is that the squirrels fight back, they may not stand for it you know?
In fact they may just go nuts.