Madeleine McCann

IS it just me or are the McCanns getting on your nerves too?

I have enormous sympathy for them losing a child but I am getting fed up of them blaming everyone else for their misfortune.

I heard about the McCanns’ latest trip around Europe while on holiday and although I think the amber alert system is a good idea, if I ever need tips on childcare from the McCanns I’ll ask.

Now, in a new TV documentary, Kate says that she wanted a baby monitor but the resort didn’t have one. So instead she, Gerry and the Tapas Seven made the bizarre decision to eat out every night and leave three young children home alone.

I’m sorry, in any language that’s child neglect. So instead of touring Europe proposing amber alert systems, I would like them to clearly just send out one message to all parents:

"NEVER EVER MAKE OUR MISTAKE AND LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE IN A STRANGE HOTEL ROOM."

And, by the way, I’m not being heartless, just honest.

I am also fed up to the back teeth of the smears and counter smears from both camps, so why don’t the McCanns and the Tapas Seven just shut up, get on the plane, return to Portugal and do the police reconstruction?

At the same time, why don’t the Portuguese plods stop spinning and start analysing; either charge them formally or remove their official suspect status?

It’s nearly a year since little Madeleine went missing and the focus needs to return to her, not the other characters in this sorry saga.

Good Morning, Mr Ripper

The BBC is determind not to be judgemental. In the last couple of weeks alone the Today programme on Radio 4 has given a platform to a man so he could explain why he shouldn’t have been hounded out of his school job – after his coviction for indecently assulting a fifteen year old girl came to light.

It followed it up this week by allowing a former primary school headmaster to tell us why he should be free to resume his career despite serving a three month sentence for downloading child pornography.

I couldn’t help but wonder where they would draw the line.

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“Good morning. You’re listening to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 with me, James Naughtie. All this fortnight we’re been looking at wheather sex offenders should be allowed to work as teachers. Today has learnt of another victim of the current witch hunt. Jack the Ripper has been suspended from his job as a biology teacher at the Osama Bin Laden Middle School, in Whitechapple, East London. Even though his appointment was approved by the education secretary, Ruth Kelly. It has been reviealed that Mr Ripper has been on the sex offenders register for the past 117 years after being linked to up to eighteen gruesome murders of young women in the East End. But Miss Kelly decided, on the recommendation of civil servents, that he no longer represented a threat. Mr Ripper joins me now in our studio. Good morning to you Mr Ripper.”

“Call me Jack Jim.”

“Very well, Jack. You were responsible for the savage killing of at least five women and suspected of murdering some thirteen more. Do you think that in itself should mark you out as someone unsuitable to teach in schools or not?”

“In my case Jim, I am suggesting it should not. I mean the girls were prostitues-”

“Let me interrunpt you there Jack. We don’t say ‘prostitues’ any more. We say ‘Sex workers.’”

“Sex workers, prostitues. Common whores, whatever. The point I’m making is that they were quite happy to sell their bodies.”

“But they had a right, did they not? To expect to conduct their busniess in saftey. Do you accept that in killing them and slicing them up your behaviour may be considered, in some quarters; as inappropriate?”

“No doubt there are some people who will say that Jim, But the point is, there was no evidence of a sexual relationship.”

“So you’re sayin that you should have never have been placed on the sex offenders register in the first place?”

“Took the words right out of my mouth.”

“Interesting, and forgive me for pressing you on this this. Can you see, and I’m not passing judgement here, how some murdering and dismembering at least five sex workers. Who were, after all, victims of society and only forced into pros – er, the sexual services sector. Which is, er, why the government this week introduced new laws designed-”

“Is there a question in there somewhere Jim?”

“I do the interrupting on this programme Jack.”

“Fair enough Jim”

“What I was going to say was, don’t you think that at the very least there was an element of misjudgement on your part?”

“I fully accept that there was an error of judgement on my part, yes. But you have to understandthat it was all a very long time ago. I was depressed, I’d been working too hard and was under a lot of stress. That was a very different Jack the Ripper back then to the Jack the Ripper speaking to you today.”

“I take you point that you were depressed at the time. But don’t you agree that you, if this isn’t too harsh a word; transgressed?”

“Absolutely.”

“And if I understand you position, it is that this transgression occoured a very long time ago. And in fact you have not killed or dismembered anyone sinse 1888. And that therefore the school should accept that this was an isolated incedent and that it shouldn’t be held against you or bar you from working as a teacher?”

“A bit long winded, but yes; got it in one."

“On a wider issue Jack, the term ‘psychopath’ is banded about very loosely these days, and we must be careful not to cause offence to members of the psychopathic community. But would you agree that in your case the term ‘psychopath’ is – sorry, would have been appropiate?”

“Absolutely Jim. Psychopath yes, paedophile no. It’s not as if I was looking at dirty pictures or anything. We didn’t even have the internet back in 1888.”

“So you believe that the education secretary in your case was correct in allowing you, a self confessed psychopath; to work in schools?”

“Absolutely.”

"One final question Jack. What is your position on letting paedophiles back into the classroom?”

“Never Jim, those people disgust me. They shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near vulnerable kids. I’ll tell you what I would do. I would slice there –“

“Jack the Ripper, thank you very much. And coming up next, 'Thought for the day'. Today’s speaker is Gary Glitter.”

Small Children

A recent survay has discovered that these are the top ten questions asked by small children - while your on the phone.

1. Will you play with me?
2. Who is God?
3. Can God see everything?
4. What does "sex" mean?
5. Why Konnie Huq?
6. Where do babies come from?
7. Am I adopted?
8. Are you sure you won't play with me?
9. Why did Grandma have to die?
10.Where did Grandma go after she died?

For any parents out there, I thought it would only be fair to provide some answers. While not approved by any parenting experts you will find they are effective.

1. Will you play with me?
No, get your DS thingy out

2. Who is God?
Me

3. Can God see everything?
I thought not, but the other evening I drove at 35 in a 30mph zone and he said to me "Oi, I'm watching you"

4. What does "sex" mean?
Your going to bed early

5. Why Konnie Huq?
Because I wouldn't kick her out of bed for farting

6. Where do babies come from?
Marks and Spencers, though you have to rummage for a good one

7. Am I adopted?
I wish

8. Are you sure you won't play with me?
Do you want me to throw that DS thingy in the bin?

9. Why did Grandma have to die?
The silly old cow kept asking me stupid questions while I was on the phone

10.Where did Grandma go after she died?
Under the patio, but that's our little secret, OK?

She wasn't old, and she sure as hell didn't live in a shoe

It’s not surprising that teenage pregnancy is reported to be on the increase year after year. After all the government does insist on giving every benefit going to underage single mothers.

In many parts having a child out of wedlock is considered shameful, not here; in this country it’s a career option.

The fact of the matter is, when so many benefits such as free homes, bills paid by the state and free money are on offer, why other going to work?

I’m sure most people will be familiar with the nursery rhyme “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe”. It went something like this…..

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

It was in fact based on a real woman, she was used as a warning to young girls of the dangers of alcohol and promiscuity; not as a role model.

Pop Vs Page

Sales of singles have fallen by a staggering forty two percent in just one year, many experts claim that this is due to kids preferring to download their music for free; rather than pay over inflated prices in the shops.

That’s all good and well, but it’s also been noticed that BBC’s flagship radio one also has listeners in free fall.

Is it just possible that theres a connection? No ones buying modern music, and no one can be bothered to listen to it either. Could it just possibly be because modern music is rubbish?

Just before I stated to write this I had the radio on, some annoying DJ with a silly name playing even more annoying so called music. One of the song’s sounded a bit like someone patting their hands on top of a wheelie bin. The only people who would even dream of buying this cods wallop are the bands friends and family. But that should be enough, thirty years ago you needed to sell half a million copies to hit the top spot on the charts; now some weeks a mere twenty thousand will do the trick.

As tunes go, it’s up there with the “beep beep beep ” of a lorry reversing. It could be hip-hop, or it might be techno, though I sometimes get techno muddled up with jungle, and rap. What I really don’t get is the difference between garage and house, is it something to do with where it was written?

It’s all very confusing and completely unnecessary because there’s one word which encompasses the lot.

Crap

It’s a good job they didn’t have classification like this for The Who’s Boris The Spider. Or it would be known as Toilet.

John Entwistle wrote it while he was on the shitter.

I have now switched off Radio One and am listening to Led Zep II. man, it’s good.

Jimmy Page of Led Zepplin
After 40 years he still rocks

Lost has been found

"Lost" has been one of the biggest shows in the world over the last few years. I have to admit that I came late to the show, picking up repeats here and there rather than catching it as it happened.

Dispute my best efforts to catch up I still missed episodes, for whatever reason I wouldn’t be in front of my TV and forgot to set the video. For those that have watched the show, you will know that this is far from the way to enjoy such shows.

So recently I decided I had to purchase the DVD’s and head back to the start. My girlfriend who had never seen it (and knowing my TV taste’s) reluctantly agreed to at least watch a couple of episodes with me.

If she didn’t like it, I could watch the rest of the DVD’s when she wasn’t there. A month later, she demands I get out there and buy the next season.

I think it’s a hit.

Rather than do a separate post for this I opted to just throw in a footnote to last weeks review of Doctor Who.

This week.
The story was better
The villain was better
The Doctor was better
The Tate woman……Still crap

Season four begins..... (Spolier free)

This week saw the return of two highly anticipated shows, Battlestar Galactica and Doctor Who respectively.

So was it worth the wait, read on gentle reader and find out......

Battlestar Galactica

Season 4 Episode 1 (He That Believeth In Me)

Given the high drama of the season three finally and a year long wait, this episode had a lot to live up to; and live up to expectations it did indeed.

All the elements that have made the show so interesting over the last few years were in place.

The suspicion, the drama, the relationships and some action to boot.

There were still many question that went unanswered, and even more new ones posed. However the show played to its strengths and provided us with forty minutes of magic.

The fallout from season three is played out with class and skill, and I expect will continue to do so throughout the season.

The action almost all takes place towards the start of the episode, and while how the battle ends may not be the most satisfying, it’s clearly laying down plot bunnies for the rest of the shows life span.

The cult of Baltar is an interesting idea, with obvious overtones of Charles Manson you can’t help but wonder where the producers and writers will go with this.

Thrace’s return for me wasn’t dealt with quite enough suspicion, and that for me is the only real bug to bear about this episode.

I won’t go into detail about the episode, or the cliffhanger in case you haven’t seen it yet.

But overall it was a fine return, while I feel it could have been slightly better. This was no filler episode. Dispite one or two minor issues it pushed things along nicely and ushered in season four – leaving you just wanting more.

Doctor Who

Season 4 Episode 1 (Partners in crime)

As before I won’t detail the plot for those who haven’t seen it yet.

What has become of Saturday night TV without Doctor Who on our screens?

Well to put it bluntly, it’s all been a bit crap. But now we can rejoice as our hero has returned to liven up out screens.

Well erm, no actually we can’t.

By just about any standard this was poor, just as an example I’ll list a couple of thing that were wrong with this.

The idea
The script
The acting
The direction
In a nutshell it was all wrong.

I like Doctor Who, I really do. But that’s because it’s usually far better than this pile of crap.

What were they thinking?

I know the idea was to reintroduce Donna from the Christmas special a couple of years ago, but whatever they planned; they failed.

Sarah Lancashire was one of the least convincing villains of the shoes history.
Catherine Tate proved she can’t act.
David Tenant knew it was rubbish, he just looked embarrised by the whole affair.

I had high hope for the new series, but this episode is a complete letdown.

In future they will have to do much much better.

Thank you and goodnight

Comedian Ben Elton is right. The BBC is scared of Muslims. Or at least the white middle-class crossed-eyed lunatics who claim to speak for Muslims. According to Ben, script editors are even frightened to use innocent phrases such as "Let the mountain come to Mohammed," just in case the provisional wing of Al-Qaeda declares a fatwa.

But it's not just the BBC, the longer I live here the more I discover that life in Britain is subject to a Muslim veto.

For instance, plenty of parents have complained about schoolbooks aimed at five-year-olds which promote homosexuality, such as King & King, a fairytale about a prince who turns down three princesses before marrying one of their brothers. These parents were smeared as "homophobes" and the books distributed widely regardless.

But now, Muslim parents in Bristol have complained and the books have been removed from the shelves. That's different, it's their culture, innit?

Elsewhere, though, care homes for the elderly have been told that they shouldn't employ christians who disapprove of homosexuality. Their religious convictions count for fuck all. Neither do the beliefs of christians who work in adoption agencies and object to placing children with gay couples.

Meanwhile, in London, a Muslim woman who refuses to take off her headscarf is suing a salon owner who turned her down for a job as a hairdresser - on the quite reasonable grounds that customers expect to see their stylist's hair.

Bushra Noah is claiming discrimination and wants £34,000 damages. "My religion is non-negotiable," she insists. In that case sweetheart go and find yourself a job where you can wear a headscarf.

Time and again, there seems to be one rule for muslims and one for everyone else. The islamic faith is "non-negotiable" but christians can go to hell.

I’m no christian, nor do I have anything against either religion.

But when your religion decides weather or not you are listened to by your government in a democratic socity. Then there’s something seriously wrong.

And this is just nuts.

Did you know its illegal to sell a grey squirrel?

No?

Didn’t think so, but this is just one of the many insane laws that have been passed in the last five years. At some point someone decided that this warranted enough attention to not only be considered; but to be passed as law.
Now it is possible that I’m wrong here, but isn’t there a war on somewhere out there? Isn’t there something slightly more important that politicians should be worrying about? Of course I could be wrong about that, Iraq could just possibly be over and no one bothered to tell me.

How did this ever get through? Last time I checked it took more than one person to decide what constitutes law of the land. Not just anybody or just one person can just makes changes on a whim.
Several senior people in the government must have had this passed before their eyes before it found its way onto the statuary books. Not only has the government clearly taken the time to promote this to top priority but they’ve spent our tax money doing it in the process.

Now, I have to be honest here. I wasn’t aware that there was a market for grey squirrels. Can you buy them on Ebay?
I’m sure now though, that this trade will be forced underground.

“Pssst, wanna buy some gear? I got weed, ecstasy, coke and squirrel.”

I’ve had people coming to my front door for years trying to sell me all sorts, Avon, Tupperware, double glazing, stone cladding, lucky heather.
But none of them have ever tried to sell me a squirrel, not even the builders who were working in the area; had a little too much tarmac and wondered if I’d like it put down on my driveway.

I’ve seen humane squirrel catchers, they claim to drive the rodents they catch out to the countryside and release them back into the wild. Personally I always thought that once round the corner, it would be a short, sharp blow and a dumping into the bin.
Clearly I was wrong, the squirrel catchers are straight down to the local butchers to sell their haul. Mr meat then does an under the counter job for anyone passing who fancies a change from a bit of steak.

“Yes madame, and what can I do for you today? Bit of squirrel then love? No problem, leg or breast?”

This is just one of the many insane laws that have been passed in recent years, I’ll mention some more at some point in the future.

But for now you may sleep safely in your bed tonight knowing that the war on squirrles has begun, tomorrow the world will be a safer place.

Unless of course that is that the squirrels fight back, they may not stand for it you know?
In fact they may just go nuts.

A new era begins....

Well maybe not a new era as such, but at least a new blog.

I've been thinking about doing this since blog's became a thing of the past over at TCA.
And now it's time for me to stop thinking and start writing.

What your find here will range from my thoughts on life, the insanities i see around me in the daily world (hence the blogs title) to reviews and general musings and nothingness.

I bid you welcome.........